The Gangl Solves the Recycling Crisis
A while ago, I wrote a post about recycling, and how screwed up the concept is- not the idea of recycling, but the inherent trust needed in people to want to recycle their goods, drive it to the center, and sort, all out of the generousity of their own hearts.
Well, in the words of Always Sunny, I’ve solved the recycling crisis.
What are the issues with recycling today? As noted above, we cannot rely on people to spend their free time doing tedious work and menial labor for nothing. Truly, not recycling costs you money in the form of CRV. That is the California refund value, a small price you pay when purchasing recyclable goods (generally only beverages). For instance, on the 12-pack of cherry Coke Zero I just bought, a CRV of 60 cents was assessed. That, depending on the sale, is anywhere from 10-20% of the cost, added on. And don’t forget, I’m bank rolling dentists with my soda consumptions, too. This is tragic.
Now, recycling might cost even more money. It takes me about an hour in total to recycle everything I’ve got. Yes, that is a lot, no, it is not the point of this post. Where I recycle I don’t even receive money for my goods. This means I’m paying the CRV, “wasting” my time (without pay), and spending gas money, further destroying the environment. Trust me, I cannot walk all of my cans and bottles to the facility, especially because 760 cans, for every hour recycling, are needed in order to match my current working wage.
So, ingenious solutions are needed to both combat the recycling malaise, as well as get my refund back. And this is where a key demographic, ignored by politicians for years for lack of spending power come in: homeless people. When was the last time you saw a homeless person without a bag of cans or bottles? If you have, they have not been homeless very long, because this is the white collar work of homelessness. begging is blue collar, to be sure. Seriously, it’s like found money to them. If they ask you for change, you could simply hand them a can of coke and they’d be just as grateful. They’d have to be by how the rest of the world treats them.
This will do wonders for our world. Instead of crossing the street to avoid homeless people, we will run to them, not with open arms, but with bottles and cans. No longer a blithe on society, they will become functional members once again.
Of course, there is the issue of enticing non-recyclers to participate. This is why I also suggest we cut out the middle man. Namely, the non-recyclers. Here is the plan, and once it is stated no one can refute its obvious charm- simply throw your cans away. Think about it, you throw your cans away, maybe in a marked, green bag, or something similar, and you let it go. Never think about it again. We’ll pay, with the CRV, people to mull through the trash and take those cans and bottles to recycling stations.
Since these machines are few and far between, it makes sense that we’d ask only a few individuals to bother recycling, instead of requesting everyone do this themselves. Besides, one person doing this job a lot more often is bound to become more efficient.
We’ve solved the issue of these items being recycled, and we’ve solved the state not getting a free donation from consumers. Now we need to get that money back to the consumer. The key to this plan is stated in this very paragraph: donations.
On your income tax, simply tally up your CRV that you’ve ‘donated’ to the state, and list it as a donation to those fine men, women, and children to whom you are giving your recyclables. Names are not necessary. The people doing the recycling are definitely not-for-profit, so the IRS will probably just lick the envelope and send your refund right away. If they do knock on your door, simply show them your receipts and tell them why it makes sense, because it does.
If they further inquire, ask them why they are trying to keep homeless people on the streets and destroy the earth. Lines like “Don’t you care, man?” and “Why do you hate homeless people,” will work wonders here.
With your help, we can solve the recycling crisis. Resist that urge to sort and recycle your own goods, and throw them the way. This is the only way we can possibly make a difference in the world.