Part of my problem is that I get swept up in something very quickly, but just as quickly, that excitement turns to apathy and it quickly dies. This Blog is a great example, I get excited about writing in it, do it for a few days, and then I fall off the earth. Part of it is I make these big plans- I’m going to write an entry every day, or every other day! and then I realize I don’t have anything to say, or I’m too tired to write (which is really just an excuse).
What I want it to be is a more self directed approach. Something that I do, not because I like the idea of doing it, or because it fits some bigger picture, but because I want to do it. Writing is a process, it’s very zen like in the fact that simply writing enables you to do many other things- write about your emotions, understand your feeling, feel some catharsis, or let out all of that pent up anger/love/happiness/sadness. Some people even make money from it.
I get this same feeling at work, where I want to do so many things, and get excited about what things can or might be, but then it’s hard to sustain that emotion. Not feeling that emotion isn’t an option- it’s hard to get up for things you don’t feel strongly about. So what can I do to get over that hump? How can I stop thinking about the grandeur of everything and just do it. Just embrace the process and not the goal- it’s very difficult for a person like me, who defines goals and attributes success and failure to meeting or missing them.
The problem is when I think about it in terms of failing or succeeding, you’re no longer writing words or what you’re thinking, but every word is a step towards success or failure. And when the stakes are that high, it’s much easier to not do them and avoid the entire judgment of the process, even if that’s all coming from self criticism (the harshest kind).
Le sigh, I’ll keep thinking about it and get back to you (me).
