Incite Full

Today, at Starbucks, I met Brian Wilson. Oh, you don’t know who Brian Wilson is? Maybe you know his beard:

No, it’s not King Leonidas, but he may as well be. Brian Wilson is the closer for the San Francisco Giants. They are in town playing the Dodgers, but Pasadena isn’t really near their Los Angeles hotel. But regardless, I was surprised by just how cool of a guy he is.

I was was walking down California, on the phone with my dad, when I arrived at the Starbucks on the corner. I was standing outside, wrapping up my conversation when I saw a giant, hulking man walking towards he coffee shop with a small, khaki clad kid in an over-sized white polo. I told my dad that I thought it was Brian Wilson, and reminded my dad of the “the guy with the beard” from the World Series. He immediately remembered and I told my dad I wanted to go, and see if it as indeed him. My was fine with this, but when on and on before letting me go- normally I’m fine with this, but I didn’t want to miss the chance to meet this guy.

After he hung up, I am ashamed to say, I ran-walked to the door and went in. At first I saw khakis hanging out, then I saw BW grabbing his coffee from the counter. I ish I had heard the name called, to see if he was trying to go under the radar, but I missed out on that. I looked at him, and he looked like a guy who’s been recognized a million times before. I asked if he was Brian Wilson, and he said he as actually his brother.

To be honest, I pretty much believed him, but before I could look like a jackass, he said no, it was him. I am sure I was gushing at that point, but I shook his hand right away and told him, immediately, that my friend, Alex, was a huge Giants fan and was going to die when I told him I met him. I also think I told him that Alex loved him, too, but I think that guy, in particular,  gets it a lot.

I then went completely amateur and asked if I could take a picture of him. He looked really annoyed at that point, but said sure, and I took a quick one of him making his coffee.

Built for speed, like me

He must have thought I was filming because he went straight up into Brian Wilson mode, and started describing his coffee making. “It’s  red-eye, which means… a single shot? It’s built for speed,” looking dead into the camera, “like me.” Which, obviously, is where this post title comes from.

I don’t meet a whole lot of celebrities. In fact, I think I’ve met maybe 4-5  athletes outside of sports stadiums/games- and I’m referring to famous athletes. I still have an autograph from Don Davey, but I doubt most people will have any idea who that guy is.

Or maybe I have met a few, but I never recognize them because it’s usually something I don’t really care about. But sports figures? I’m all over that.

And what was probably the most surprising is how cool the guy was. He was obviously getting coffee- a red-eye no less- because he just needed to wake up. Hell, he probably came to Pasadena in order to avoid running into someone who might give him away. I can understand that completely, but he also understands that celebrity is a full time job, and I’m just some guy who’s seen him on TV, winning championships, no less, and it made my day to see him.

I guess I’ve been jaded by all of the reports of asshole athletes out there, or guys getting drunk in bars and causing trouble, that it was refreshing to see a guy who was fine with me taking a quick pic. Hell, maybe he goes out and causes fights and trouble of all sorts, but I know he’s got his cool side to him also, which is more than I can say for a lot of people. Between this and the ridiculousness of most Dodger fans, I think I’m turning into a Giants fan- too bad everyone will think  I’m doing this because they won a world series.

Are you kidding me? I’m a Packer’s fan, and until this year, I had to deal with Brett Favre and also Colin Cowherd calling “my” QB  overrated for not having won a playoff game.  I like the Brewers, Seahawks, and I would love the Supersonics if they still existed.  I generally like teams with no chance of winning championships, so it’s beyond that.

The guy was cool, and hey, maybe if he ever searches his name, and clicks through the thousands of links before mine shows up, he’ll feel the same amount of satisfaction seeing this here, that I did meeting him. I wish Alex had been there to meet him, but even though he wasn’t, I’m still using it as my birthday gift to him for the next five years.

Based on the title of this post, you might be surprised to see it get published. I mean, what are the odds that this is the perfect post? Slim to none, if I was to be honest about it.

I read a post over at Get Rich slowly, one of my favorite blogs, and it had to do with perfectionism and the all-or-nothing mindset. It explains perfectionist can be paralyzed with fear- fear of failure, fear of success, or something else entirely. It can lead to procrastination, self-deprecation, and even the inability to start something one might not do well. In this unhealthy form, it’s known as maladaptive perfection. Some of the comments on the entry point out that perfectionism is not always bad- in some cases it is quite good, such as the all-start athlete, the top chef’s in the world, and artists who become obsessed with their work. I am not one of those people, however, so I’ll focus on the more negative forms. Ironically,  that’s how it affects me.

I’m a maladaptive perfectionist; it manifests itself in some random areas, as well as more obvious places.

At work, I do some things that are rather ho-hum and straight forward. These are easy enough to accomplish, and there isn’t really a whole lot of thought involved with some of them- well, new thought I should say. I still need to go over some decisions and pick which method works best for the given problem, but nothing like “this has never been done before… where do I start”? All of this is doable, and I do it pretty well.

On the other hand, my job no has a lot of areas where I venture into the unknown, and I have to get certain things done and working. These are where I have issues. When something is difficult to do, and I don’t know the right way to go about getting it done, often times I’ll freeze, and it’ll take me a long while to understand what I need to do, and sometimes I’ll put it off until I simply have to get it done. I at least have that going for me, my fear of being seen as a failure is even greater than my fear of failure.

But it’s not simply work that stresses me out- it can be almost comical the way it affects me.

If you’ve been in my apartment bedroom, you’ll notice the blue shitty paint job on the wall. This is one of those times where I thought I could paint, did it, and it ended up being kind of sloppy. I still have some left to do, but I simply can’t convince myself that I should do it, because it’s going to be terrible again. When i can’t even do something I know I should do, well we have a problem, don’t we?

Another example comes when I baked a cake for a friend a couple of weeks ago, and it didn’t come out as well as I’d hope. I still gave it to her, but I was extremely embarrassed. Again, the only reason I gave it to her was that I promised her one, and felt that failing on that was bigger than failing on the cake. Maybe that’s true, but I’m pretty sure i would have thrown that sucker out if it wasn’t for my promise. Hell, when people were about to eat it, I made fun of it before hand, telling people “it looks like shit, and probably doesn’t taste much better… you’ve been warned”.

The cake scenario above illustrates one of the more pathological issues- I deprecate my work and myself to excuse it’s lack of success. More often than not this is internal- the way i think about myself and feel about myself suffers from each and every failure, however small, to the point where I simply don’t want to try anything at which I might fail.

It’s fairly obvious to see where this can lead to other problems: self-esteem, anxiety, depression are all common- not that I suffer from all of these or anything, but some people do. I’m more of the self deprecating type as i’ve mentioned. But I procrastinate tasks when i’m not sure how to do them, and I’m also apt to downplay the importance of things i’m not too good at, or excusing my lack of ability by some other means.

A great quote from the wikipedia article explains, “perfectionism is often marked by low productivity as individuals lose time and energy on small irrelevant details of larger projects or mundane daily activities”. This is the scary part- my work is affected by these tendencies to the point where my productive effort is cyclical- sometimes i’m not very productive, other times (usually near deadlines) I’m very productive, and work more than I should, or is healthy- also marked by my inability to “shut off” from my tasks, although i’m not so sure this is a result of my perfectionism or, as I suspect, something else.

So, how do I get over this? It would be easy to imagine getting over this as a mountain, and part of me would see it as an entire task to accomplish. What I have read, though, is that you need to make small, manageable goals in order to over come these things. Make a goal step one of that mountain, then goal two 3 steps, and so on. Build it up- baby steps, if you will. I’m not sure if it’ll work, and I’m almost certain i’ve tried it before, but hey, a new year means a fresh start, maybe this will work.

If not, i’ll pretend like I never tried.

I was reading Jon Krakauer’s Into Thin Air (an amazing book so far) last night and a short passage really resonated with me. It was from Alone To Everest, by Earl Denman, and reads:

I grew up with an ambition and determination without which I would have been a good deal happier… I was not sure what could be accomplished by means of tenacity and little else, but the target was set high and each rebuff only saw me more determined to see at least one major dream through to its fulfillment.

It’s both good and bad that this quotation gripped me, as I see a lot of myself in it- the raw passion and ambition into which I want to channel my energy; the hope to create something lasting or greater than myself. Unfortunately, I fear my resolve, dulled by the rebuffs and disappointments, might not be strong enough to last.

These last thoughts made me wonder, is it better to have no ambition than only a little ambition? Surely Denman’s ambition was that of a demigod. I imagine his failures and successes were, figuratively, one step back, two steps forward. His each failure meant to him success was inevitable. But what about the rest of us? What about us (myself included) that see failure as worse than moving backwards,  seen as an ending, not as a direction? Those who put their passions aside because they aren’t the easy route, or aren’t a sure thing?

It’s obvious that the sure things aren’t the building blocks of  fame or legends. And that “nothing ventured, nothing gained” or any other parable you want to throw at it, are all well and good (and obvious). But that doesn’t make it easy to leave the comfort zone of routine and expectations. In this sense, no ambition is the ultimate comfort. One doesn’t dream of being anything bigger or better, or leaving the world a better place, so they don’t have the disappointment of not living up to those expectations levied upon themselves.

Left of that idea, are those (the majority) of us that have a little ambition.

Where did that ambition come from? Well, the last generation or two has been raised by parents all preaching the uniqueness and exceptional-ness of their children nearly non-stop. I was a product of this environment, the one in which every team in the league gets a trophy, lest we make some little tykes feel bad. Or the art show with 300 ribbons given out for honorable-honorable mention, and the teachers who say “yeah sort of” when they really should be saying “No, not at all.”  Look, I understand that we need to encourage our youth, and make them confident and have good self images; perhaps the people with no ambition are the ones who did not benefit from bolstered self-confidence thrown every which way. But we also owe it to our children to let them know the truths about the world, to let them know some people have more ability in one area or another, or that mistakes are made and it’s OK, or that, well, sometimes we screw up and it’s not OK.

I grew up with a near perfect model of success. My father did incredible things in the business world, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to match those feats. I understand this now, but for a long time, he would tell me that he expected us to be more successful than he, which was always my goal. Looking back, I shouldn’t have ever used a person I am so close to, and look up to so much as a benchmark for myself. Not only because it’s difficult to achieve that level of success, but the disappointment if and when I fall short is magnified.

I should rewind a bit and say that my father’s (and mine, begrudgingly) indicator of success is financial success. An indicator that will take massive amounts of inflation for me to overcome. I also understand there are other criteria for success that are not financial, but my brain is wired this way, for better or for worse.

I’m aware that only a handful of people in the world will succeed given my criteria for success, and there is a good chance I won’t be one of them. I think I needed to learn that earlier on, not that I couldn’t live a decent, hardworking, and rewarding life, but rather dreaming without the work and fortitude will end up making me wonder where time has gone, and why have we not all done the great things we wanted to do when we were young. The Offspring also wondered this same thing.

I’m not really sure how to overcome these feelings, or what these feelings really are. Inadequacy? Inferiority? Shame? Despair? They all seem a bit too strong for what I’m feeling, especially since I still have time to change.

Disillusionment.

Disillusionment is the feeling! That moment when you realize the world isn’t our oyster, when all the wills become could haves, and the dreams our younger selves had become more distant, both figuratively and literally. Like when you beat your dad for the first time in chess or basketball, and realize he isn’t perfect or invincible, and someone else’s dad could beat him up. When we start living to pay the bills and get work done, instead of pursuing the things that make us happiest, that is disillusionment.

I don’t feel this way all the time, but when I can’t find the words to write, or the pictures to raw, or the song to hum, my mind falls back to this thought, that I’ve been blunted not by failure, but by the thought of failure.

What I do know, however, is this: no one cares if I fail. Sure, if I screw up  huge project at work, that’s not good, but in my personal life- if I don’t take the best pictures ever, or write the great American novel, or cook the tastiest meals, these don’t reflect poorly on me, and anyone worth hanging out with won’t hold it against me either (on the contrary, the ones who tell you are the ones worth keeping around).

And it’s not too late to turn it around. I don’t necessarily need to exceed my dad’s expectations, but rather change my criteria for feeling successful and whole.To meet my own expectations and to look back and feel good about the decisions I’ve made and the time I’ve spent. This I can do.

The quote above is supposed to be inspirational. I’m not sure it inspired me, but it did make me think about a lot of things that have lived in the outskirts of my subconscious. These feelings of disillusionment and failure, however slight, are not healthy for the soul. And if a paradigm shift is needed to overcome them, to be able to breath easy and feel a sense of accomplishment from within, then that’s what I’ll do. That is the dream I will see come to fulfillment.

Of the many qualities that described me when I first began work, the one that I see most universally amongst my peers is the inability to say no. I’m not talking about saying no to drugs, or to taking candy from a stranger. No, what I’m referring to is the “can you do it” question that is, for all intents and purposes, unanswerable by someone just starting out. No is such a loaded word when you’re first starting out- is it rejection? Is it disappointment? Is it unexpected? Is it unimaginative? Is it the last word you’ll say at your brand new job?

When I started work, I was asked my professional opinion on a lot of things, most of which I could only respond with “I’ll get back to you.” A good question is usually asked by other engineers or other developers: How do you do this? Did you think about this? Why does it do that? These are questions that I like, they rely on things that I know or have dealt with before. They are ones on which I can draw from my immense (ha!) experience. Compare that to, say, a manger’s question and you can instantly feel the your feet moving- feel that? That’s the earth shaking. It’s a question like “How long will this take you?” or even worse, it’s a question that has the dreaded binary, yes/no answer. “Can you do it”, is by far the worst question a new hire can be asked, and the reasons are all summed up above with those implications we attach to our response.

Or maybe this whole “no” thing comes from confrontation-avoidance. While this is a whole other topic of conversation, my generation has been raised to think they are the most special people in the world, and any dent in this (mentally created)  armor might cause far away universes to die. But I digress.

As a new employee, I was eager to prove myself, as were many of my peers I’ve since talked to about it all, by becoming dependable and have that “get-it-done attitude”. If I said no, I’d be setting limits on my ability too early and without actually knowing what they were. Of course, we should let the answer be the truth, and not let our emotions or view of what that means move us otherwise. If the answer is disappointing, perhaps the question should be rephrased (re-scoped) or maybe they should ask someone who is more qualified, which is sometimes a staggering few people, as it turns out. But I felt I’d be sending a clear message that other people were better suited for certain tasks than I was. I wasn’t about to let that happen, and as it turned out, I got in over my head pretty quickly.

Now, maybe other people inherently have the ability to say no to certain tasks and people, but I wasn’t one of them, but part of me feels, in retrospect, that I shouldn’t have been asked some of these questions. It’s not that the project failed or I didn’t meet my deadlines, but I had to kill myself to do a few of them. At some point, people need to know what new employees don’t know, or at the very least, multiply what they think the effort will be by 2.5 (at least).

I’ve learned my lesson in one respect, I know my time lines a bit better than before. I still think I’m the right person for every job floated my way (this both a product of my self-perceived talent as well as the nature of the “find your own work or you’re out” job market). But it’s hard for me to say no when people ask me to do something- i might say that it’ll take me a while, but I’ll still say I can do it. I want to do it. I still am young and need to prove myself. And maybe I should let me work speak for itself, but the more that’s out there I feel the louder my words will be- and when something is particularly exciting to me, I don’t want to pass it up.

I returned from a trip to Sequoia and King’s Canyon National Parks last week, and while ti was a rough week getting back into the groove of things, I’m pretty much back on track and getting a lot done day to day now. I took about 4 gigs of photos on the trip, half of which are probably “throw away” photos, but the other half are keepers, and a select few of them have made it into my personal collection for the trip. You can get a glimpse of my photos in my gallery.

I added these to facebook and got surprisingly few comments on them. Maybe they aren’t that good, or people aren’t interested in them, but either way, I’m coming to realize that facebook is not a place that fosters creating, only sharing. I am sure a certain level of talent can transcend this barrier, but the majority of facebook users want to write/comment/like things that affect them or things they go through, not appreciate the random, unique, or sublime. I’m not upset about this, just need to come to terms with it. Maybe one day i’ll be talented enough to transcend user’s nominal use of sites and shape how they can use them instead.