Incite Full

I was reading Jon Krakauer’s Into Thin Air (an amazing book so far) last night and a short passage really resonated with me. It was from Alone To Everest, by Earl Denman, and reads:

I grew up with an ambition and determination without which I would have been a good deal happier… I was not sure what could be accomplished by means of tenacity and little else, but the target was set high and each rebuff only saw me more determined to see at least one major dream through to its fulfillment.

It’s both good and bad that this quotation gripped me, as I see a lot of myself in it- the raw passion and ambition into which I want to channel my energy; the hope to create something lasting or greater than myself. Unfortunately, I fear my resolve, dulled by the rebuffs and disappointments, might not be strong enough to last.

These last thoughts made me wonder, is it better to have no ambition than only a little ambition? Surely Denman’s ambition was that of a demigod. I imagine his failures and successes were, figuratively, one step back, two steps forward. His each failure meant to him success was inevitable. But what about the rest of us? What about us (myself included) that see failure as worse than moving backwards,  seen as an ending, not as a direction? Those who put their passions aside because they aren’t the easy route, or aren’t a sure thing?

It’s obvious that the sure things aren’t the building blocks of  fame or legends. And that “nothing ventured, nothing gained” or any other parable you want to throw at it, are all well and good (and obvious). But that doesn’t make it easy to leave the comfort zone of routine and expectations. In this sense, no ambition is the ultimate comfort. One doesn’t dream of being anything bigger or better, or leaving the world a better place, so they don’t have the disappointment of not living up to those expectations levied upon themselves.

Left of that idea, are those (the majority) of us that have a little ambition.

Where did that ambition come from? Well, the last generation or two has been raised by parents all preaching the uniqueness and exceptional-ness of their children nearly non-stop. I was a product of this environment, the one in which every team in the league gets a trophy, lest we make some little tykes feel bad. Or the art show with 300 ribbons given out for honorable-honorable mention, and the teachers who say “yeah sort of” when they really should be saying “No, not at all.”  Look, I understand that we need to encourage our youth, and make them confident and have good self images; perhaps the people with no ambition are the ones who did not benefit from bolstered self-confidence thrown every which way. But we also owe it to our children to let them know the truths about the world, to let them know some people have more ability in one area or another, or that mistakes are made and it’s OK, or that, well, sometimes we screw up and it’s not OK.

I grew up with a near perfect model of success. My father did incredible things in the business world, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to match those feats. I understand this now, but for a long time, he would tell me that he expected us to be more successful than he, which was always my goal. Looking back, I shouldn’t have ever used a person I am so close to, and look up to so much as a benchmark for myself. Not only because it’s difficult to achieve that level of success, but the disappointment if and when I fall short is magnified.

I should rewind a bit and say that my father’s (and mine, begrudgingly) indicator of success is financial success. An indicator that will take massive amounts of inflation for me to overcome. I also understand there are other criteria for success that are not financial, but my brain is wired this way, for better or for worse.

I’m aware that only a handful of people in the world will succeed given my criteria for success, and there is a good chance I won’t be one of them. I think I needed to learn that earlier on, not that I couldn’t live a decent, hardworking, and rewarding life, but rather dreaming without the work and fortitude will end up making me wonder where time has gone, and why have we not all done the great things we wanted to do when we were young. The Offspring also wondered this same thing.

I’m not really sure how to overcome these feelings, or what these feelings really are. Inadequacy? Inferiority? Shame? Despair? They all seem a bit too strong for what I’m feeling, especially since I still have time to change.

Disillusionment.

Disillusionment is the feeling! That moment when you realize the world isn’t our oyster, when all the wills become could haves, and the dreams our younger selves had become more distant, both figuratively and literally. Like when you beat your dad for the first time in chess or basketball, and realize he isn’t perfect or invincible, and someone else’s dad could beat him up. When we start living to pay the bills and get work done, instead of pursuing the things that make us happiest, that is disillusionment.

I don’t feel this way all the time, but when I can’t find the words to write, or the pictures to raw, or the song to hum, my mind falls back to this thought, that I’ve been blunted not by failure, but by the thought of failure.

What I do know, however, is this: no one cares if I fail. Sure, if I screw up  huge project at work, that’s not good, but in my personal life- if I don’t take the best pictures ever, or write the great American novel, or cook the tastiest meals, these don’t reflect poorly on me, and anyone worth hanging out with won’t hold it against me either (on the contrary, the ones who tell you are the ones worth keeping around).

And it’s not too late to turn it around. I don’t necessarily need to exceed my dad’s expectations, but rather change my criteria for feeling successful and whole.To meet my own expectations and to look back and feel good about the decisions I’ve made and the time I’ve spent. This I can do.

The quote above is supposed to be inspirational. I’m not sure it inspired me, but it did make me think about a lot of things that have lived in the outskirts of my subconscious. These feelings of disillusionment and failure, however slight, are not healthy for the soul. And if a paradigm shift is needed to overcome them, to be able to breath easy and feel a sense of accomplishment from within, then that’s what I’ll do. That is the dream I will see come to fulfillment.

Of the many qualities that described me when I first began work, the one that I see most universally amongst my peers is the inability to say no. I’m not talking about saying no to drugs, or to taking candy from a stranger. No, what I’m referring to is the “can you do it” question that is, for all intents and purposes, unanswerable by someone just starting out. No is such a loaded word when you’re first starting out- is it rejection? Is it disappointment? Is it unexpected? Is it unimaginative? Is it the last word you’ll say at your brand new job?

When I started work, I was asked my professional opinion on a lot of things, most of which I could only respond with “I’ll get back to you.” A good question is usually asked by other engineers or other developers: How do you do this? Did you think about this? Why does it do that? These are questions that I like, they rely on things that I know or have dealt with before. They are ones on which I can draw from my immense (ha!) experience. Compare that to, say, a manger’s question and you can instantly feel the your feet moving- feel that? That’s the earth shaking. It’s a question like “How long will this take you?” or even worse, it’s a question that has the dreaded binary, yes/no answer. “Can you do it”, is by far the worst question a new hire can be asked, and the reasons are all summed up above with those implications we attach to our response.

Or maybe this whole “no” thing comes from confrontation-avoidance. While this is a whole other topic of conversation, my generation has been raised to think they are the most special people in the world, and any dent in this (mentally created)  armor might cause far away universes to die. But I digress.

As a new employee, I was eager to prove myself, as were many of my peers I’ve since talked to about it all, by becoming dependable and have that “get-it-done attitude”. If I said no, I’d be setting limits on my ability too early and without actually knowing what they were. Of course, we should let the answer be the truth, and not let our emotions or view of what that means move us otherwise. If the answer is disappointing, perhaps the question should be rephrased (re-scoped) or maybe they should ask someone who is more qualified, which is sometimes a staggering few people, as it turns out. But I felt I’d be sending a clear message that other people were better suited for certain tasks than I was. I wasn’t about to let that happen, and as it turned out, I got in over my head pretty quickly.

Now, maybe other people inherently have the ability to say no to certain tasks and people, but I wasn’t one of them, but part of me feels, in retrospect, that I shouldn’t have been asked some of these questions. It’s not that the project failed or I didn’t meet my deadlines, but I had to kill myself to do a few of them. At some point, people need to know what new employees don’t know, or at the very least, multiply what they think the effort will be by 2.5 (at least).

I’ve learned my lesson in one respect, I know my time lines a bit better than before. I still think I’m the right person for every job floated my way (this both a product of my self-perceived talent as well as the nature of the “find your own work or you’re out” job market). But it’s hard for me to say no when people ask me to do something- i might say that it’ll take me a while, but I’ll still say I can do it. I want to do it. I still am young and need to prove myself. And maybe I should let me work speak for itself, but the more that’s out there I feel the louder my words will be- and when something is particularly exciting to me, I don’t want to pass it up.

I returned from a trip to Sequoia and King’s Canyon National Parks last week, and while ti was a rough week getting back into the groove of things, I’m pretty much back on track and getting a lot done day to day now. I took about 4 gigs of photos on the trip, half of which are probably “throw away” photos, but the other half are keepers, and a select few of them have made it into my personal collection for the trip. You can get a glimpse of my photos in my gallery.

I added these to facebook and got surprisingly few comments on them. Maybe they aren’t that good, or people aren’t interested in them, but either way, I’m coming to realize that facebook is not a place that fosters creating, only sharing. I am sure a certain level of talent can transcend this barrier, but the majority of facebook users want to write/comment/like things that affect them or things they go through, not appreciate the random, unique, or sublime. I’m not upset about this, just need to come to terms with it. Maybe one day i’ll be talented enough to transcend user’s nominal use of sites and shape how they can use them instead.

I have a lot of friends who are Atheist.

That’s probably the only fact that will be written in the rest of this post, as it all goes considerably downhill from here. A recent book I’m reading, Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar, puts it interestingly regarding arguments between atheists and, well, everyone else. You can’t argue with an atheist if you believe in some god or God (or vice versa) because there is fundamentally no common ground to agree upon with which to argue from. To shore up this point, Atheists rule from the view of reason, logic, and skepticism. It’s that last one that is probably the cornerstone. Believers rule from logic, reason, and a single (I suppose it could be multiple) leap of faith.

So to hell with the facts, right? Well I guess we’ll see. But there are two types of atheists that I’ve met, most of my friends are type one: those who believe it and that’s who they are. They might not “get” why people believe in God, but they don’t always push their agenda. The second group consists of people who need to voice their opinion as an atheist and use atheism as a badge of honor or “holier-than-thou” attitude, which is funny if you think about it.

Logically, though, I don’t understand why atheists take issue with believers, as I guess I’ll call them. It kind of skids the agnostic issue, which is a perfectly valid, if non-committal, position.Why do certain atheists roll their eyes at those who pray or thank god publicly? Why do some people get upset when asked to bow their heads in a moment of silence, taking the act not for what it is: a moment of respect, but rather forced prayer? Why do people argue to remove the “under God” from the pledge of allegiance? I know of not one person, though I’m sure they exist (I believe it!) that had a strong opinion on the matter.

The issue that I think atheism boils down to which presents the problem is that of rationality. Not that believers are irrational, but skepticism is king when it comes to atheism. But “What then?”, I ask. It can’t be about conversion, for a person converted to atheism through argument alone is still a believer, but simply a believer in non-belief. Is it education? Is it Anger? Lack of respect? Wanting to feel correct?

A lot of erroneous arguments are made on both sides, two of which I see often are “This country was founded as a Christian nation” and “Religion causes war.” Both are silly arguments, regardless of their substance (which I don’t really think should be acknowledged), but illustrate how heated and biased the arguments get. We can discuss these things without trying to convert or pass judgment, or at least it is in our capacity. Why don’t we?

I really want to know more about the other side of things, but I don’t want to learn it from a person that will dismiss me because of a belief in God. And here is a hint if you’re out there, calling Him “magic” or “Superstition” is not a good way to start off the argument or introduce yourself as an atheist. Much as I’m sure that telling a person they are going to hell, a place in which he or she doesn’t believe, is a good way of saying “Good morning” to an atheist.

I bought a slip and slide today.

Before you ask, it was not the megashark slip ‘n slide, also available in 3-d. I could only wish.

The idea of a slip ‘n slide, however, is misguided. Ii mean, you’re taking a running start and diving on to a water filled surface. There is definitely sliding involved, but I don’t think there is slipping. Slipping, to me, involves some accident, a push from the gods that sends you stumbling; reeling, to go with water imagery. No, they need a better name for slip ‘n slides. Unfortunately I’m fresh out of ideas on the matter.

That’s what I’m good at, eh? Bitching about things. If I werne’t me I’d probably be really annoyed by me. Anyways, instead of bitching about something I’m going to say something nice. I’ve always been jealous of thsoe that can create something out of nothing, or those who can change the way in which I look at the world. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it happens nearly every day.

Most of the time, for me, it’s about books and the written word, but I know it happens in music and the other arts as well.

So I’m going to create something. Not sure what it is yet, but i’ll let you know when I figure that out. If it is a book, i’ve got a few things I think I’d liek to talk about, themse and motifs, really. here they are in no particular order:

Oneirology, or the study of dreams. I am not really fleshed out on this one, but I’d like to think there are oneironaugts- people who can change and control dreams. Like a friendly or villainous Freddy Kreuger.

Free-running (non-entrained) sleep.

Phantom Pain

Our blame-everyone-else-but-me society

Twitter and the diarrhea of information we get daily

Perfectionism

Consumerism (ugh)

and a few others that are a little too difficult to explain concisely.