There is no secret to saving money, or becoming wealthy (whatever that word means, any more). Nearly every money saving tip can be categorized in one of three areas:

1. Need/Use less
2. Buy at the best price you can
3. Do it yourself

Not surprisingly, the best way  to save money is simply to spend less of it relative to how much you make. This isn’t rocket science. The first one, is need less. Don’t need a new phone (even if you can get one every 2 years). Don’t need new clothing. Obviously there are times when you need to get a pair of pants, or a shirt, but you don’t need a new one every week, month, or season. I own jeans that i’ve had for 3 years, and that’s not even that long. Don’t need certain food- when you go to the grocery store, don’t go in knowing you need “Cheetoes” or “Ruffles.” Go in knowing you want snacks. And then go about shopping for snacks that are the most economical.

This brings us to point two, when you need to, buy things at the best price. In the snack example above, pretzels might be on sale, or hey, maybe Ruffles are, too! It’s exciting when it works out that what you want and what’s on sale is the same price. Other areas to get better prices are on insurance (shop around), buying cars (wait for major holidays, or buy used) and housewares (buy quality, read reviews). There are a million of ways to save a buck if you’re into that, but the basis of it is that you just need to save money on something you would have bought at a higher price.

As an aside, it’s only a deal if it’s something you need. It might be a deal if it’s something you want, but i’ve seen so many people convince themselves they want something because of a sale. If you don’t need a new pair of shoes, don’t buy them simply because they are on sale. Whenever I point this out to people, I always get “It’s just shoes,” but “just shoes” and “just a few CDs” just becomes no left over money at the end of the Month.

Lastly, do it your self. I’m not talking of thousands of dollars renovations- only you can be the one qualified to tell yourself you can or can’t do that. I’m speaking about simple, every day things. Cooking your own meals, cleaning your own house, doing your own oil changes and tire rotations. All of these things are simple enough to do, and can save you a lot of money. I won’t fill this with qualifiers except one: I think it’s OK to spend money on services, and I do it too. Usually when my time is more valuable than learning/doing it myself.

The other side of this “building wealth” coin (forgive the pun) is just as important as getting there- defining wealth. Wealth in America has become synonymous with status. Wealthy people don’t drive Hondas, they don’t wear old clothing unless it’s “vintage,” and I quote that because I don’t think many people know what vintage means (hint: it’s not simply old). Wealthy people don’t drive to their vacation destinations, and they always enjoy the finest things in life.

Sure. Some wealthy people do that, but if that’s the definition of wealthy we’re using, then I think we’re all in trouble. And the ones that can have it will, and the ones that want it will use their credit cards to have it for a brief while.

No, wealth is a relative term, and that’s the problem. We are being constantly bombarded with advertising and television shows telling us how we should spend the money we (don’t?) have. Maybe it’s a 50 thousand dollar car, or a show where all the housewives get diamonds simply for having kids. And what do people who are diligent with their savings get? We’re boring cheapskates! We’re told to spend the money and live in the now! I agree with that, I want to enjoy my time during and after I work. Who would think otherwise?

But wealth is more than money, more than status. It’s living comfortably and being able to do what you want. Working or not working, simply because you choose. It’s being able to sit down and write a novel, take some photographs, or bake cookies all day if you want. It’s going boating or fishing or, hell, just sitting around watching movies all day.

What i’m trying to say is building wealth is a lot easier to do if you define what it means to you, and then make it happen. Don’t pay attention to advertisers or people you know telling you things. This does not mean limit your dreams or goals, just know that the grander they are, the longer i may take, or there more sacrifices there will be- perhaps both.

It’s difficult because those two people in love that have never planned event, more likely than not, have completely different styles of getting things done. One being laid back usually helps, but can quickly be overwhelmed by the other’s “get it done” attitude.

As in any stressful situation, emotions will run high and situations will get the better of you from time to time, but just take a minute, a deep breath, and relax- everything will go on fine. Another thing to remember is that just because you think you are communicating an idea to someone, does not mean that they are receiving that information, no matter how visceral those ideas are to you.

Anyway, what I find most interesting about my life is how predictable parts of it are. Let me back up a bit. I grew up the youngest of four, and saw my oldest siblings get in trouble, make silly decisions, lie terribly to my parents, and any other sort of mistake you can make as a kid. I also saw them do incredible things and saw my parents take great pride and joy in the things they had done. I also had a ravenous appetite for sitcoms.

Nearly every sitcom, if it goes long enough, touches on the idea of men and women- one could say that’s the underlying basis for nearly every sitcom if you discount family oriented ones (Growing Pains, Family Ties, Family Matters- but even that one leaned towards steve/stephan/laura). Well, it turns out, men and women are quite different. While not always true, the rule of thumb is that women are generally more emotional in relationships while men are more logic oriented- even if that logic is flawed, you can still follow that train of thought.

Well it just so happens that the men in these shows are almost painfully unaware of their transgressions, while we, the audience, “know better” and understand the altercation is coming. You’d think this would train me for real life- but no. When things happen, I’m reminded of why I should have known what I did or said was wrong, and am actually dumbfounded, briefly, that I was caught unaware. I’m as oblivious as the lovable, idiot husband in nearly all these shows.

The only problem is, just because I’m oblivious doesn’t mean I’m in the wrong. Yet that’s been trained into my from the very beginning of humanity by these shows (and a lot of sibling actions). So by the time I realize “hey, wait a minute” the moment is gone. It’s like thinking of the best comeback immediately after the guy who just “punked” you walks away. Espirit de l’escalier is what the French call it, the Spirit of the Stairway- that fleeting thought or idea that you wish you had just moments ago. I feel like this happens to me incredibly often. And here I always thought I was quick and witty (#humblebrag).

I guess what i’m tring to say is that, hey, you’re going to have some ups and downs planning your wedding- get used to it because life is a series of ups and downs. Sometimes work will be going well but maybe you run into some troubles with family and relationships. Or maybe everything’s going wrong- we need to take the good with the bad an just keep on trucking.

This reminds me of my last thought of the day- Anger. Anger is like energy, it is always conserved. This comes into play a few ways, but i’ll describe two. Let’s say someone upsets you, and instead of confronting them, you just bottle it up and put it away, deep inside you, where jealousy and hate hang out. It’s not gone, it builds up and unleashes at some point. That’s a great example of the anger not going away, it’s simply building- you can’t hide it forever.

The second example comes from a co-worker. He said he used to get angry at drivers going too slow on the freeways, and then he said “screw it” and now zigs and zags and cuts people off to get wherever he’s going faster. Sure, he’s not angry anymore- but now instead of him getting upset, he’s displacing it amongst all of the other drivers on the road for brief periods of time. See how that works? There is no fundamental answer to any of these issues, just things i’ve been noticed over time.

Remember, vent early, vent often. And don’t cut people off while driving.

I read a post over at Get Rich slowly, one of my favorite blogs, and it had to do with perfectionism and the all-or-nothing mindset. It explains perfectionist can be paralyzed with fear- fear of failure, fear of success, or something else entirely. It can lead to procrastination, self-deprecation, and even the inability to start something one might not do well. In this unhealthy form, it’s known as maladaptive perfection. Some of the comments on the entry point out that perfectionism is not always bad- in some cases it is quite good, such as the all-start athlete, the top chef’s in the world, and artists who become obsessed with their work. I am not one of those people, however, so I’ll focus on the more negative forms. Ironically,  that’s how it affects me.

I’m a maladaptive perfectionist; it manifests itself in some random areas, as well as more obvious places.

At work, I do some things that are rather ho-hum and straight forward. These are easy enough to accomplish, and there isn’t really a whole lot of thought involved with some of them- well, new thought I should say. I still need to go over some decisions and pick which method works best for the given problem, but nothing like “this has never been done before… where do I start”? All of this is doable, and I do it pretty well.

On the other hand, my job no has a lot of areas where I venture into the unknown, and I have to get certain things done and working. These are where I have issues. When something is difficult to do, and I don’t know the right way to go about getting it done, often times I’ll freeze, and it’ll take me a long while to understand what I need to do, and sometimes I’ll put it off until I simply have to get it done. I at least have that going for me, my fear of being seen as a failure is even greater than my fear of failure.

But it’s not simply work that stresses me out- it can be almost comical the way it affects me.

If you’ve been in my apartment bedroom, you’ll notice the blue shitty paint job on the wall. This is one of those times where I thought I could paint, did it, and it ended up being kind of sloppy. I still have some left to do, but I simply can’t convince myself that I should do it, because it’s going to be terrible again. When i can’t even do something I know I should do, well we have a problem, don’t we?

Another example comes when I baked a cake for a friend a couple of weeks ago, and it didn’t come out as well as I’d hope. I still gave it to her, but I was extremely embarrassed. Again, the only reason I gave it to her was that I promised her one, and felt that failing on that was bigger than failing on the cake. Maybe that’s true, but I’m pretty sure i would have thrown that sucker out if it wasn’t for my promise. Hell, when people were about to eat it, I made fun of it before hand, telling people “it looks like shit, and probably doesn’t taste much better… you’ve been warned”.

The cake scenario above illustrates one of the more pathological issues- I deprecate my work and myself to excuse it’s lack of success. More often than not this is internal- the way i think about myself and feel about myself suffers from each and every failure, however small, to the point where I simply don’t want to try anything at which I might fail.

It’s fairly obvious to see where this can lead to other problems: self-esteem, anxiety, depression are all common- not that I suffer from all of these or anything, but some people do. I’m more of the self deprecating type as i’ve mentioned. But I procrastinate tasks when i’m not sure how to do them, and I’m also apt to downplay the importance of things i’m not too good at, or excusing my lack of ability by some other means.

A great quote from the wikipedia article explains, “perfectionism is often marked by low productivity as individuals lose time and energy on small irrelevant details of larger projects or mundane daily activities”. This is the scary part- my work is affected by these tendencies to the point where my productive effort is cyclical- sometimes i’m not very productive, other times (usually near deadlines) I’m very productive, and work more than I should, or is healthy- also marked by my inability to “shut off” from my tasks, although i’m not so sure this is a result of my perfectionism or, as I suspect, something else.

So, how do I get over this? It would be easy to imagine getting over this as a mountain, and part of me would see it as an entire task to accomplish. What I have read, though, is that you need to make small, manageable goals in order to over come these things. Make a goal step one of that mountain, then goal two 3 steps, and so on. Build it up- baby steps, if you will. I’m not sure if it’ll work, and I’m almost certain i’ve tried it before, but hey, a new year means a fresh start, maybe this will work.

If not, i’ll pretend like I never tried.

I grew up with an ambition and determination without which I would have been a good deal happier… I was not sure what could be accomplished by means of tenacity and little else, but the target was set high and each rebuff only saw me more determined to see at least one major dream through to its fulfillment.

It’s both good and bad that this quotation gripped me, as I see a lot of myself in it- the raw passion and ambition into which I want to channel my energy; the hope to create something lasting or greater than myself. Unfortunately, I fear my resolve, dulled by the rebuffs and disappointments, might not be strong enough to last.

These last thoughts made me wonder, is it better to have no ambition than only a little ambition? Surely Denman’s ambition was that of a demigod. I imagine his failures and successes were, figuratively, one step back, two steps forward. His each failure meant to him success was inevitable. But what about the rest of us? What about us (myself included) that see failure as worse than moving backwards,  seen as an ending, not as a direction? Those who put their passions aside because they aren’t the easy route, or aren’t a sure thing?

It’s obvious that the sure things aren’t the building blocks of  fame or legends. And that “nothing ventured, nothing gained” or any other parable you want to throw at it, are all well and good (and obvious). But that doesn’t make it easy to leave the comfort zone of routine and expectations. In this sense, no ambition is the ultimate comfort. One doesn’t dream of being anything bigger or better, or leaving the world a better place, so they don’t have the disappointment of not living up to those expectations levied upon themselves.

Left of that idea, are those (the majority) of us that have a little ambition.

Where did that ambition come from? Well, the last generation or two has been raised by parents all preaching the uniqueness and exceptional-ness of their children nearly non-stop. I was a product of this environment, the one in which every team in the league gets a trophy, lest we make some little tykes feel bad. Or the art show with 300 ribbons given out for honorable-honorable mention, and the teachers who say “yeah sort of” when they really should be saying “No, not at all.”  Look, I understand that we need to encourage our youth, and make them confident and have good self images; perhaps the people with no ambition are the ones who did not benefit from bolstered self-confidence thrown every which way. But we also owe it to our children to let them know the truths about the world, to let them know some people have more ability in one area or another, or that mistakes are made and it’s OK, or that, well, sometimes we screw up and it’s not OK.

I grew up with a near perfect model of success. My father did incredible things in the business world, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to match those feats. I understand this now, but for a long time, he would tell me that he expected us to be more successful than he, which was always my goal. Looking back, I shouldn’t have ever used a person I am so close to, and look up to so much as a benchmark for myself. Not only because it’s difficult to achieve that level of success, but the disappointment if and when I fall short is magnified.

I should rewind a bit and say that my father’s (and mine, begrudgingly) indicator of success is financial success. An indicator that will take massive amounts of inflation for me to overcome. I also understand there are other criteria for success that are not financial, but my brain is wired this way, for better or for worse.

I’m aware that only a handful of people in the world will succeed given my criteria for success, and there is a good chance I won’t be one of them. I think I needed to learn that earlier on, not that I couldn’t live a decent, hardworking, and rewarding life, but rather dreaming without the work and fortitude will end up making me wonder where time has gone, and why have we not all done the great things we wanted to do when we were young. The Offspring also wondered this same thing.

I’m not really sure how to overcome these feelings, or what these feelings really are. Inadequacy? Inferiority? Shame? Despair? They all seem a bit too strong for what I’m feeling, especially since I still have time to change.

Disillusionment.

Disillusionment is the feeling! That moment when you realize the world isn’t our oyster, when all the wills become could haves, and the dreams our younger selves had become more distant, both figuratively and literally. Like when you beat your dad for the first time in chess or basketball, and realize he isn’t perfect or invincible, and someone else’s dad could beat him up. When we start living to pay the bills and get work done, instead of pursuing the things that make us happiest, that is disillusionment.

I don’t feel this way all the time, but when I can’t find the words to write, or the pictures to raw, or the song to hum, my mind falls back to this thought, that I’ve been blunted not by failure, but by the thought of failure.

What I do know, however, is this: no one cares if I fail. Sure, if I screw up  huge project at work, that’s not good, but in my personal life- if I don’t take the best pictures ever, or write the great American novel, or cook the tastiest meals, these don’t reflect poorly on me, and anyone worth hanging out with won’t hold it against me either (on the contrary, the ones who tell you are the ones worth keeping around).

And it’s not too late to turn it around. I don’t necessarily need to exceed my dad’s expectations, but rather change my criteria for feeling successful and whole.To meet my own expectations and to look back and feel good about the decisions I’ve made and the time I’ve spent. This I can do.

The quote above is supposed to be inspirational. I’m not sure it inspired me, but it did make me think about a lot of things that have lived in the outskirts of my subconscious. These feelings of disillusionment and failure, however slight, are not healthy for the soul. And if a paradigm shift is needed to overcome them, to be able to breath easy and feel a sense of accomplishment from within, then that’s what I’ll do. That is the dream I will see come to fulfillment.

When I started work, I was asked my professional opinion on a lot of things, most of which I could only respond with “I’ll get back to you.” A good question is usually asked by other engineers or other developers: How do you do this? Did you think about this? Why does it do that? These are questions that I like, they rely on things that I know or have dealt with before. They are ones on which I can draw from my immense (ha!) experience. Compare that to, say, a manger’s question and you can instantly feel the your feet moving- feel that? That’s the earth shaking. It’s a question like “How long will this take you?” or even worse, it’s a question that has the dreaded binary, yes/no answer. “Can you do it”, is by far the worst question a new hire can be asked, and the reasons are all summed up above with those implications we attach to our response.

Or maybe this whole “no” thing comes from confrontation-avoidance. While this is a whole other topic of conversation, my generation has been raised to think they are the most special people in the world, and any dent in this (mentally created)  armor might cause far away universes to die. But I digress.

As a new employee, I was eager to prove myself, as were many of my peers I’ve since talked to about it all, by becoming dependable and have that “get-it-done attitude”. If I said no, I’d be setting limits on my ability too early and without actually knowing what they were. Of course, we should let the answer be the truth, and not let our emotions or view of what that means move us otherwise. If the answer is disappointing, perhaps the question should be rephrased (re-scoped) or maybe they should ask someone who is more qualified, which is sometimes a staggering few people, as it turns out. But I felt I’d be sending a clear message that other people were better suited for certain tasks than I was. I wasn’t about to let that happen, and as it turned out, I got in over my head pretty quickly.

Now, maybe other people inherently have the ability to say no to certain tasks and people, but I wasn’t one of them, but part of me feels, in retrospect, that I shouldn’t have been asked some of these questions. It’s not that the project failed or I didn’t meet my deadlines, but I had to kill myself to do a few of them. At some point, people need to know what new employees don’t know, or at the very least, multiply what they think the effort will be by 2.5 (at least).

I’ve learned my lesson in one respect, I know my time lines a bit better than before. I still think I’m the right person for every job floated my way (this both a product of my self-perceived talent as well as the nature of the “find your own work or you’re out” job market). But it’s hard for me to say no when people ask me to do something- i might say that it’ll take me a while, but I’ll still say I can do it. I want to do it. I still am young and need to prove myself. And maybe I should let me work speak for itself, but the more that’s out there I feel the louder my words will be- and when something is particularly exciting to me, I don’t want to pass it up.

That’s probably the only fact that will be written in the rest of this post, as it all goes considerably downhill from here. A recent book I’m reading, Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar, puts it interestingly regarding arguments between atheists and, well, everyone else. You can’t argue with an atheist if you believe in some god or God (or vice versa) because there is fundamentally no common ground to agree upon with which to argue from. To shore up this point, Atheists rule from the view of reason, logic, and skepticism. It’s that last one that is probably the cornerstone. Believers rule from logic, reason, and a single (I suppose it could be multiple) leap of faith.

So to hell with the facts, right? Well I guess we’ll see. But there are two types of atheists that I’ve met, most of my friends are type one: those who believe it and that’s who they are. They might not “get” why people believe in God, but they don’t always push their agenda. The second group consists of people who need to voice their opinion as an atheist and use atheism as a badge of honor or “holier-than-thou” attitude, which is funny if you think about it.

Logically, though, I don’t understand why atheists take issue with believers, as I guess I’ll call them. It kind of skids the agnostic issue, which is a perfectly valid, if non-committal, position.Why do certain atheists roll their eyes at those who pray or thank god publicly? Why do some people get upset when asked to bow their heads in a moment of silence, taking the act not for what it is: a moment of respect, but rather forced prayer? Why do people argue to remove the “under God” from the pledge of allegiance? I know of not one person, though I’m sure they exist (I believe it!) that had a strong opinion on the matter.

The issue that I think atheism boils down to which presents the problem is that of rationality. Not that believers are irrational, but skepticism is king when it comes to atheism. But “What then?”, I ask. It can’t be about conversion, for a person converted to atheism through argument alone is still a believer, but simply a believer in non-belief. Is it education? Is it Anger? Lack of respect? Wanting to feel correct?

A lot of erroneous arguments are made on both sides, two of which I see often are “This country was founded as a Christian nation” and “Religion causes war.” Both are silly arguments, regardless of their substance (which I don’t really think should be acknowledged), but illustrate how heated and biased the arguments get. We can discuss these things without trying to convert or pass judgment, or at least it is in our capacity. Why don’t we?

I really want to know more about the other side of things, but I don’t want to learn it from a person that will dismiss me because of a belief in God. And here is a hint if you’re out there, calling Him “magic” or “Superstition” is not a good way to start off the argument or introduce yourself as an atheist. Much as I’m sure that telling a person they are going to hell, a place in which he or she doesn’t believe, is a good way of saying “Good morning” to an atheist.

Today I saw it for the first time in a long time.

Gabe and Danielle got married today, and it was a great ceremony and reception. The music was great and the readings and prayer for the service were about as perfect as such a thing could be. What struck me about it all came near the end of the service, before “The kiss,” when we were to all silently take in one of the readings. Everyone on stage was fidgeting, uncomfortable with the silence. Some were swaying, others were darting their eyes to their friends or around the church.

But Gabe and Danielle, Mr. and Mrs. Hohrieter, were simply standing there looking at each other. It was one of those looks where a cracked smile said more than either of them could say verbally. Standing there holding hands, I felt like I was let in on some secret they have.

And it was incredible. Obviously I knew they cared about one another. They are perfect together, after all, but seeing that let me in on what a relationship can and should be like. I wrote on a not that I was jealous of them (in a joking tone) but the more and more I think of it, I am. Not a scornful jealous, but a happy for them feeling i’ve not really felt before. It’d be easy to be a tad bitter and scornful what with my recent relationship woes, but I can’t be. First of all being Danielle’s friend, but second of all I should hope we’re all as lucky as those two.

Congratulations D and Gabe, you guys have a long, exciting life ahead of you. And plenty of relatives to babysit free of charge.

I also went to the Phillies vs Dodgers game Friday night. I went with Jordan and his friends from The Shack, a Philadelphia sports bar with much love for all things Eagle, Phlyer, Phillie and 76er. The group is an eclectic bunch, from guys looking like Matisyahu and Scott Stapp, and girls on gluten free diets to those who can talk trash and moon other drivers. That being said, man they are a lot of fun. The game was going well until towards the end and alcohol had set in for the Dodger fans.

I swear I’ve never been pelted with more food items and beverages in my entire life than I was last night. After the Dodger fans went ahead and won the game, insults were thrown even further than the hotdogs with which these douchebags were armed. Now I didn’t really have a problem with it and partially expected it coming in. But they should have at least been men about it all. The girls in our troupe (said mooner and gluten-free femmes) were the target of most of the thrown items, and one guy, apparently, took a swing at one of the girls. I wish I had seen it, but unfortunately I wasn’t around at that point.

Imagine a grown man swinging at a girl over a baseball game. Stay classy, Los Angeles. And as much as I know it’s not indicative of all fans, it shows you that there are fans and people out there going Robert Deniro over this shit like they are playing in the actual game. My favorite is the asshole who’s talking shit from the left bleacher, only to run away when we saw him in the parking lot. The best way to describe it: The bleachers at Dodgers stadium are most like the internet; Anonymity plus opinion equals incredibly stupid behavior.

Making matters worse was the “security” in the park. They were too busy hassling a bunch of phillie fans for their tickets and ensuring they were sitting in the right spot instead of kicking out said douchebags hurling shit at us. Can’t remember the official who came and talked to us, but he looked like Squeak from Basketball. This guy was more interested in being our friend than actually fixing the problem, a quality I find loathsome in human beings.

I’m not perfect, but I’m not afraid to disappoint people once and a while either. There are about 4-6 girls in my past life you can confirm this with. But honestly, the expression “Don’t piss on my and tell me it’s raining” is apt here. Tell me you can’t do shit about it, don’t tell me “We can’t watch everyone,” because either way you’re failing at your job, but one way I don’t expect change. And pro-tip: If I get upset and swear, calling something “fucking ridiculous,” threatening to kick me out is a baller move. Apparently swearing is higher on the pantheon of crimes at dodger stadium than throwing a plate of nachos. At least put jalapeños on it, spice up my life.

The point of my rant is that I’m not even a Phillie fan. They are fun to watch, and i don’t mind cheering for them from time to time (but they still beat the brewers and we can’t have that happening). But I am even more of an anti-Los Angeles fan than I can describe, but I’ll try. LA Fans, go back to your freeway congested, smog filled, band-wagon jumping, waitering because you can’t act, more plastic than a matel factory, bottled water drinking, bad driving, over-populated, 7-dollar-beer selling, slicked-back or shaved head, blond or dyed blond, groupie gathering, twenty-dollar micro salad, paparazzi infested latrine that feels less and less like home than it does a pit stop on my journey through life.

Kind of wish I didn’t hit my 1000 word limit in anger, but I’ll take it. Gearing up for nanowrimo.

]]> http://www.mikegangl.com/2009/06/07/juxtaposed-emotions/feed/ 0 http://www.mikegangl.com/2009/05/25/the-dark-end-of-the-street/ http://www.mikegangl.com/2009/05/25/the-dark-end-of-the-street/#comments Tue, 26 May 2009 04:54:10 +0000 Mike http://www.mikegangl.com/?p=151 From an interview with Christian Bale:

So…outside of your roles, do you have a history of putting yourself in situations where you have to test yourself physically or even court danger?
Definitely. Though the one that stands out to me wasn’t physically demanding or dangerous. One of the places where we lived when I was growing up had this big wood out the back. And starting when I was about 8, I used to enjoy just walking alone through the wood late. Eleven p.m. Midnight. Later. Deep into the woods. It was terrifying. And I wasn’t allowed to look behind me, no matter what noises I heard. That was the point. That thing. The fear. To go into some deep place, a well of fear, that you’ve never been to before and that you didn’t know the way out of. Not looking behind, not turning around, just going deeper and deeper into those woods. I always enjoyed that.

That’s the word? Enjoy?
I learned something about myself, didn’t I?

What?
That I don’t want to be comforted. That I want to be able to face the hell I’m in.

So for that 8-year-old boy it was two things at once: I am afraid and that is unpleasant; at the same time, I am enjoying this.
But it was also I am staying. I am not running. There’s a beautiful epitaph on the gravestone of Melvin Purvis, the FBI agent I play in Public Enemies [the story of J. Edgar Hoover’s pursuit of John Dillinger, played by Johnny Depp, which will be released in July]. All that man went through, the gun battles, being a high-priority target of underworld figures… One time he was in Al Capone’s hotel room, meeting with him, and bullets started flying through the window, the two of them duckin’ down, firing back, looking at each other, and Capone says to him, “They after you, or they after me?” And neither knew. True story. So many situations like that the man went through. And on his gravestone it’s written—in Latin, so I had his son translate it for me—“I was often afraid, but I never ran.” Back in the day, he would admit to being scared. It was a bravery in and of itself just to admit that in that era. The papers called him Nervous Purvis. But that’s exactly what I was enjoying in those woods as a kid. I am afraid for my life, but I will not run and I will not look back. I will just go deeper. Until I come through.

My father, unfortunately, does not have that luxury. For 45 some odd years of his working life, he’s been in control of his future. He decided to work here or there, buy this or that, and take vacations to where and when he wanted. All that has changed, and it’s been a struggle for him.  Hell it’d be a struggle for anyone, but I think he’s taking it in stride very well- better than I believe I could.

But it’s hard watching the ones you love grow worried and think themselves into a corner. I wish I could say something to him to make it all better, to make him worry less. When I was applying to colleges early in my junior year of high school, he saw me slacking and, afraid I was throwing away my potential, took me aside and showed what could only be called tough love. And it worked, I got off my ass and got to school and did well from there on. My point is, I wish I could do something to have such a profound effect on the man’s life. He’s given me so much and I can’t give anything back except for a listening ear and what little wisdom I have in comparison to his.

Here’s hoping it’ll do the trick, and if not… at least take his mind off of things for a while.

And it’s that which makes me wonder about the next 70 years of my life.