Yes, apparently that falls under the incidental or minor things that happen during the planning of a wedding. We have been so stressed lately that handling everything, getting it all done, and making sure everyone is happy that we’re losing sight of the event ourselves. Obviously some people get a pass- Mothers and Fathers are generally absolved from our stress- regardless of their ability to increase or decrease it. And that’s the way it should be. This day really isn’t all about us, but about the joining of two families. This is a very important day for our parents, who brought us up in such a way that we thought the other did such a damn fine job, we’d hang on to that person. And I’m really excited for the input, suggestions, and offerings of help.

There are two types of other people. Those who get in the way, and those who choose to be a billion miles away.

The wedding is a force that can’t be stopped, delayed, or helped, really. It’s a giant boulder rolling downhill. It starts slow, but is going its fastest right near the bottom. So if you’re going to help slow down the monolith, be there at the beginning. The other side? Those guys are far away, and only after the boulder hits do they show up and see the damage (or lack thereof). These people are generally ok by me. But sometimes they are supposed to be there helping with that fricken boulder. Especially once we realized that we can barely do this by ourselves.

What I have learned in the year plus that we’ve been planning this are two things: I have an amazing wife-to-be which, if she chose, could plan the hell out of anyone’s wedding. If she didn’t want to be a counselor, I’d say plan other people’s weddings- because people will pay you boatloads to do it, especially with all the stickies, calendar colorings, lists, and other cool stuff she makes.

The second thing I’ve learned is that this day is not important to everyone. Whether that be those who simply don’t plan on coming, don’t RSVP (this is like, a deadly sin, by the way) on time, or think of the wedding in terms of how it will affect them, they aren’t thinking about the wedding and what it really means. I suppose that’s normal. People who don’t go through a wedding don’t understand the complexity/enormity of it. Or maybe they do. Or maybe it’s a reminder of their own singleness, and they’d rather not think about it in such stark ways. I really have no idea, but the fact remains a lot of people are being as equally selfish as we ought to be. And it usually is such a small thing.

Take the RSVP above, once person forgets and it’s easy to deal with- no harm done. But when 1/3 of your invites send it in a day late, that adds up to a lot of stress and texts/emails to get to the bottom of it. Did you forget (that’s kind of an insult) or are you not coming (c’mon, send it back). And I’m assuming you all want chicken, though I should be nasty and write down “vegetarian entree”.

But this is all a part of the process. Part of the event, some sort of Zen test to see if we’ll make it. If we can get through the planning of a wedding, we can get through damn near anything. And it’s not like Stef and I don’t get cranky with one another every once and a while- we’re very different personalities when it comes to planning an event. She’s a “get it done” type of person, and I’m a “it will get done” kind of guy. Which works out for me, because that usually means she’ll do it, or give me a kick in the ass to get it done. I understand that now, so i’m fine with taking care of a few things, like putting the slideshow together (technically, she’ll choose the pictures), or find a projector, or call the florist when it needs getting done. It’s about finding a balance in how we both want to handle things, and handle them together.

I guess I should be thanking all of those people who made this ordeal tougher, because it really makes you understand and appreciate the other person going through it with you. I’m not going to thank you more than the people who are helping though, that’s ridiculous.

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Some people don’t just need to be right, they need others to be wrong.

When a person’s value doesn’t stem from their own deeds or ideas, there is a problem. When they knock other people down to build themselves up, that’s a problem. This can take many forms: making fun of disabled or overweight people, criticizing clothing choices, out of hand dismissal of other ideas, and more. But the one that causes me the most grief is the aforementioned powerful drive to be “right.”

What I see most wrong with it is that is devalues the idea of truth and facts. As I get older, I realize there are fewer truths in life. Quite the opposite, I see things that I always held close seem to fall apart. When I was a kid, the future was filled with flying cars, all jobs were fire fighters, police officers, doctors, lawyers and sports stars, and anyone in my class could do anything they wanted. A lot of those things fell apart, some quicker than others. Because of that, I feel we owe it to ourselves to find the truth whenever possible, to not accept anything less when it’s out there. That’s why I have a problem with this blinding drive to be right.

The idea of right is the one that doesn’t exist in a vacuum. The one that takes two people, ideas, or beliefs to exist. When that happens, we are more focused on the act of arguing itself, and turning it into a competition- the end goal isn’t ultimate discovery. The end goal is being right- no matter what it takes.

I suppose that is why anecdotal arguments are useless, a lot of the time. Nothing to prove, really- and how can you argue against them? Numbers, citations, expert opinion are valid, but “I heard…” isn’t really as effective. And that’s how experts become experts- they don’t simply parrot things they’ve heard (which is moderately better than making things up). Experts analyze and deduce, they formulate ideas and create thought experiments (or “real” ones) to test them and see if they are valid. But this rigor is not common to most people. In fact, quite the opposite, our culture of “you’re special” means we rarely tell our kids they are wrong. I know people who will not say “no” to their kids, I’ve read about people who sue McDonald’s because they make it hard to say no to their kids. If our kids don’t understand right and wrong, or that it’s OK to be wrong, then we’re creating more problems for them in the future.

Oh boy, I’m about to use an anecdote to further my point.

In high school, I had a few teachers who would ask questions and then call on students. This is standard. But when they gave answers, incredibly wrong ones at times, the teacher would give a tepid reaction. “Ehhhh, kind of.” This drove me nuts- most of the times these questions aren’t difficult- they didn’t require original thought, simply regurgitating information in the book or what’s written on the board.

To show a stark contrast, I had a math professor in college answer my question by proving, mathematically, that it made no sense. That was brutal. Of course no one in class laughed because they were all as lost as I was- the ones who would laugh didn’t came to that particular class because it was easy. Now this didn’t prove to me that being wrong was ok, but it was a lot better than my professor leading me to believe I was remotely close. I value his honesty in retrospect.

When I started to write this, I was confused and jaded by a type of person. I even went back, after the argument, and looked up the facts to prove them wrong- but that’s when I realized that proving that person wrong wouldn’t stop them from being who they are- it’s deeper than that. And it wouldn’t make me feel better either, in fact, I would probably feel worse by bringing it up to them. Now that I’ve written through my thoughts, I understand now that i’m not upset by this type of person. Sure, it’s irritating. But it’s more about something permeating our culture. Not academic rigor, but intellectual curiosity. Being wrong is OK as long as you learn from it.

There is no secret to saving money, or becoming wealthy (whatever that word means, any more). Nearly every money saving tip can be categorized in one of three areas:

1. Need/Use less
2. Buy at the best price you can
3. Do it yourself

Not surprisingly, the best way  to save money is simply to spend less of it relative to how much you make. This isn’t rocket science. The first one, is need less. Don’t need a new phone (even if you can get one every 2 years). Don’t need new clothing. Obviously there are times when you need to get a pair of pants, or a shirt, but you don’t need a new one every week, month, or season. I own jeans that i’ve had for 3 years, and that’s not even that long. Don’t need certain food- when you go to the grocery store, don’t go in knowing you need “Cheetoes” or “Ruffles.” Go in knowing you want snacks. And then go about shopping for snacks that are the most economical.

This brings us to point two, when you need to, buy things at the best price. In the snack example above, pretzels might be on sale, or hey, maybe Ruffles are, too! It’s exciting when it works out that what you want and what’s on sale is the same price. Other areas to get better prices are on insurance (shop around), buying cars (wait for major holidays, or buy used) and housewares (buy quality, read reviews). There are a million of ways to save a buck if you’re into that, but the basis of it is that you just need to save money on something you would have bought at a higher price.

As an aside, it’s only a deal if it’s something you need. It might be a deal if it’s something you want, but i’ve seen so many people convince themselves they want something because of a sale. If you don’t need a new pair of shoes, don’t buy them simply because they are on sale. Whenever I point this out to people, I always get “It’s just shoes,” but “just shoes” and “just a few CDs” just becomes no left over money at the end of the Month.

Lastly, do it your self. I’m not talking of thousands of dollars renovations- only you can be the one qualified to tell yourself you can or can’t do that. I’m speaking about simple, every day things. Cooking your own meals, cleaning your own house, doing your own oil changes and tire rotations. All of these things are simple enough to do, and can save you a lot of money. I won’t fill this with qualifiers except one: I think it’s OK to spend money on services, and I do it too. Usually when my time is more valuable than learning/doing it myself.

The other side of this “building wealth” coin (forgive the pun) is just as important as getting there- defining wealth. Wealth in America has become synonymous with status. Wealthy people don’t drive Hondas, they don’t wear old clothing unless it’s “vintage,” and I quote that because I don’t think many people know what vintage means (hint: it’s not simply old). Wealthy people don’t drive to their vacation destinations, and they always enjoy the finest things in life.

Sure. Some wealthy people do that, but if that’s the definition of wealthy we’re using, then I think we’re all in trouble. And the ones that can have it will, and the ones that want it will use their credit cards to have it for a brief while.

No, wealth is a relative term, and that’s the problem. We are being constantly bombarded with advertising and television shows telling us how we should spend the money we (don’t?) have. Maybe it’s a 50 thousand dollar car, or a show where all the housewives get diamonds simply for having kids. And what do people who are diligent with their savings get? We’re boring cheapskates! We’re told to spend the money and live in the now! I agree with that, I want to enjoy my time during and after I work. Who would think otherwise?

But wealth is more than money, more than status. It’s living comfortably and being able to do what you want. Working or not working, simply because you choose. It’s being able to sit down and write a novel, take some photographs, or bake cookies all day if you want. It’s going boating or fishing or, hell, just sitting around watching movies all day.

What i’m trying to say is building wealth is a lot easier to do if you define what it means to you, and then make it happen. Don’t pay attention to advertisers or people you know telling you things. This does not mean limit your dreams or goals, just know that the grander they are, the longer i may take, or there more sacrifices there will be- perhaps both.

It’s difficult because those two people in love that have never planned event, more likely than not, have completely different styles of getting things done. One being laid back usually helps, but can quickly be overwhelmed by the other’s “get it done” attitude.

As in any stressful situation, emotions will run high and situations will get the better of you from time to time, but just take a minute, a deep breath, and relax- everything will go on fine. Another thing to remember is that just because you think you are communicating an idea to someone, does not mean that they are receiving that information, no matter how visceral those ideas are to you.

Anyway, what I find most interesting about my life is how predictable parts of it are. Let me back up a bit. I grew up the youngest of four, and saw my oldest siblings get in trouble, make silly decisions, lie terribly to my parents, and any other sort of mistake you can make as a kid. I also saw them do incredible things and saw my parents take great pride and joy in the things they had done. I also had a ravenous appetite for sitcoms.

Nearly every sitcom, if it goes long enough, touches on the idea of men and women- one could say that’s the underlying basis for nearly every sitcom if you discount family oriented ones (Growing Pains, Family Ties, Family Matters- but even that one leaned towards steve/stephan/laura). Well, it turns out, men and women are quite different. While not always true, the rule of thumb is that women are generally more emotional in relationships while men are more logic oriented- even if that logic is flawed, you can still follow that train of thought.

Well it just so happens that the men in these shows are almost painfully unaware of their transgressions, while we, the audience, “know better” and understand the altercation is coming. You’d think this would train me for real life- but no. When things happen, I’m reminded of why I should have known what I did or said was wrong, and am actually dumbfounded, briefly, that I was caught unaware. I’m as oblivious as the lovable, idiot husband in nearly all these shows.

The only problem is, just because I’m oblivious doesn’t mean I’m in the wrong. Yet that’s been trained into my from the very beginning of humanity by these shows (and a lot of sibling actions). So by the time I realize “hey, wait a minute” the moment is gone. It’s like thinking of the best comeback immediately after the guy who just “punked” you walks away. Espirit de l’escalier is what the French call it, the Spirit of the Stairway- that fleeting thought or idea that you wish you had just moments ago. I feel like this happens to me incredibly often. And here I always thought I was quick and witty (#humblebrag).

I guess what i’m tring to say is that, hey, you’re going to have some ups and downs planning your wedding- get used to it because life is a series of ups and downs. Sometimes work will be going well but maybe you run into some troubles with family and relationships. Or maybe everything’s going wrong- we need to take the good with the bad an just keep on trucking.

This reminds me of my last thought of the day- Anger. Anger is like energy, it is always conserved. This comes into play a few ways, but i’ll describe two. Let’s say someone upsets you, and instead of confronting them, you just bottle it up and put it away, deep inside you, where jealousy and hate hang out. It’s not gone, it builds up and unleashes at some point. That’s a great example of the anger not going away, it’s simply building- you can’t hide it forever.

The second example comes from a co-worker. He said he used to get angry at drivers going too slow on the freeways, and then he said “screw it” and now zigs and zags and cuts people off to get wherever he’s going faster. Sure, he’s not angry anymore- but now instead of him getting upset, he’s displacing it amongst all of the other drivers on the road for brief periods of time. See how that works? There is no fundamental answer to any of these issues, just things i’ve been noticed over time.

Remember, vent early, vent often. And don’t cut people off while driving.

This morning I was talking with some co-workers about things people used to do, say, 50 years ago, that today we just can’t comprehend. Some examples were really physical, like talking to an operator before making a call, or simply the party line in general. Others were more mental, like cold war era fears, or fear of banks running out of money (run on banks). That last one might actually be coming back, interestingly enough.

But then we were thinking, what do we do today, or how do we think now that will change in 50 or 100 years? And that’s a really interesting way of looking at the world, you also see a lot of bias coming through in where we think and want the world to go.

50 years from now, gays and lesbians will be able to get married and be afforded the same rights as any other couple in love. They will also have the same problems as married couples today, such as divorce and infidelity. It’s hard for me to imagine why this isn’t happening today- it’s similar to women’s suffrage and the civil rights movement of the 60s and 70s, only the segregation and homophobia isn’t written outside restaurants or creating separate water fountains.

50 years from now, our children will be dumbfounded that not every person had health care until… whenever it finally happens. We are one of the leading nations in the world in so many things, we have great universities, hundreds of Nobel prize winners, we are an insanely successful democracy, and yet, the wealth gap is ever increasing and we can’t guarantee care for all of our residents. Sure, people can walk into an emergency room, but we’d rather subsidize corn growth than preventative care. Don’t even get me started on obesity, corn syrup, and all that jazz.

50, maybe 100, years from now, we won’t have gasoline fueled cars. This one is pretty self explanatory, but we can’t sustain our oil addiction. And we’re not getting off of it because it’s the right thing to do or to save the environment, but because the oil won’t be around or will be ungodly expensive. Either way, it’s good to get off of it. My next car will probably be a hybrid or even n electric, depending on how advanced the technology gets.

In 50 years, paper books will be abnormal. They will still exist, but the majority of everything will be online. Maybe color e-ink or more iPad like devices floating through out the world. Most people will connect to the internet through their phones, and hand held media will reign supreme. This is not limited to books, digital media will supplant physical media for most everything. Even now how records are still sold, physical media will still exist, but it’ll be more of a “purist” obsession, than a philistine rejection.

In 50 years,I doubt we’ll have the physical phone book. Why we have them today is beyond me, static directories and the static advertising within them is unusable. We don’t want to guess what plumber or pizza place to order from, we want to be told what is good and what we should try and order from them. The only winner in the phone book advertising are the major chains.

I think cash will still exist in 50 years, but probably not after 100 years. There is a large difficulty in overcoming physical money, what to do with it, how to account for it, and there has to be some time line for getting rid of it- it won’t be a “money will expire in ‘X’ years.” I do see us moving to all digital currency, but the thought of the phone companies being charge of that with these upcoming near field transaction chips terrifies me. Who would you trust with this technology, and what sort of mechanisms will we carry around to facilitate them.

Some interesting ones I’ve seen around the net:

http://www.dailyblogged.com/41/things-that-wont-exist-in-the-future/ No landlines, kind of obvious to me, but worth repeating, especially if you want to freak out your grandma.

The mail. I’m really not sure about this one, especially at 50 years. Maybe 100- wedding invitations, important documents, passports (does that make the list?), and other physical items need to get from A to B at some point, mail seems to be the only real mechanism for doing this. I saw this on multiple, random message boards.

While I’m sure there are others, I think this is a good list to mull over, there are other things, sadly, that I wish wouldn’t exist in the future but I don’t think human nature can outrun things like famine and disease, poverty, racism, or other strong, emotional flashpoints.

Butler, on the other hand, did the unthinkable- back to back final runs for a mid major. If the game was played by hearts alone, Butler hands down wins this one going away. I’m not going to lie, with all the shadiness surrounding Connecticut, I was hoping for a Bulldog win. That has nothing to do with the kids playing for the Huskies, but it’s something I can’t forget- and Yes, I am a USC trojan. I don’t freak out when kids take money, or boosters slip a kid fifty bucks after a game, but coaches acting, lying, and just breaking just about every rule in the book is something I actively cheer against. See Ohio State.

The game, though, was really the culmination of an interesting year in NCAA Basketball, and a few years of the infamous “And One” rule. Players being forced to play a year in college before going pro might be exciting, but they are essentially mercenaries hired to win a championship. The past few years we’ve seen senior heavy teams, the likes of Butler and VCU make valiant charges into the late rounds of the tournament only to lose in heartbreaking fashion. Last year Butler had NBA Talent, this year- not so much. And we’re seeing a lot of this, good, solid teams without that wow player beating teams that don’t have the chemistry to compete in those pressure situations.

But don’t believe that upsets are good basketball- they may be exciting, but it’s only great basketball when some storybook ending or amazing play elevates the Cinderella to titanic heights, not when erratic shooting meets sloppy turnovers and a dozen charges. And the thing is, they almost has us fooled. We almost bought into the magical season of this tournament, and all the upsets and spectacles- the Mooreheads and the Rams.

Again, this is not about the players on the court, but the system that put them there. The system that hung them out to dry with fatigue and inexperience. It’s a shame that it happened on a night when everyone is watching. Bill Simmons was not terribly far off when he said that Women’s basketball caught up. Not sure I believe him, but I do believe the most explosive and dominant player in college basketball, wears number 24 for UConn.

No, it’s not King Leonidas, but he may as well be. Brian Wilson is the closer for the San Francisco Giants. They are in town playing the Dodgers, but Pasadena isn’t really near their Los Angeles hotel. But regardless, I was surprised by just how cool of a guy he is.

I was was walking down California, on the phone with my dad, when I arrived at the Starbucks on the corner. I was standing outside, wrapping up my conversation when I saw a giant, hulking man walking towards he coffee shop with a small, khaki clad kid in an over-sized white polo. I told my dad that I thought it was Brian Wilson, and reminded my dad of the “the guy with the beard” from the World Series. He immediately remembered and I told my dad I wanted to go, and see if it as indeed him. My was fine with this, but when on and on before letting me go- normally I’m fine with this, but I didn’t want to miss the chance to meet this guy.

After he hung up, I am ashamed to say, I ran-walked to the door and went in. At first I saw khakis hanging out, then I saw BW grabbing his coffee from the counter. I ish I had heard the name called, to see if he was trying to go under the radar, but I missed out on that. I looked at him, and he looked like a guy who’s been recognized a million times before. I asked if he was Brian Wilson, and he said he as actually his brother.

To be honest, I pretty much believed him, but before I could look like a jackass, he said no, it was him. I am sure I was gushing at that point, but I shook his hand right away and told him, immediately, that my friend, Alex, was a huge Giants fan and was going to die when I told him I met him. I also think I told him that Alex loved him, too, but I think that guy, in particular,  gets it a lot.

I then went completely amateur and asked if I could take a picture of him. He looked really annoyed at that point, but said sure, and I took a quick one of him making his coffee.

Built for speed, like me

He must have thought I was filming because he went straight up into Brian Wilson mode, and started describing his coffee making. “It’s  red-eye, which means… a single shot? It’s built for speed,” looking dead into the camera, “like me.” Which, obviously, is where this post title comes from.

I don’t meet a whole lot of celebrities. In fact, I think I’ve met maybe 4-5  athletes outside of sports stadiums/games- and I’m referring to famous athletes. I still have an autograph from Don Davey, but I doubt most people will have any idea who that guy is.

Or maybe I have met a few, but I never recognize them because it’s usually something I don’t really care about. But sports figures? I’m all over that.

And what was probably the most surprising is how cool the guy was. He was obviously getting coffee- a red-eye no less- because he just needed to wake up. Hell, he probably came to Pasadena in order to avoid running into someone who might give him away. I can understand that completely, but he also understands that celebrity is a full time job, and I’m just some guy who’s seen him on TV, winning championships, no less, and it made my day to see him.

I guess I’ve been jaded by all of the reports of asshole athletes out there, or guys getting drunk in bars and causing trouble, that it was refreshing to see a guy who was fine with me taking a quick pic. Hell, maybe he goes out and causes fights and trouble of all sorts, but I know he’s got his cool side to him also, which is more than I can say for a lot of people. Between this and the ridiculousness of most Dodger fans, I think I’m turning into a Giants fan- too bad everyone will think  I’m doing this because they won a world series.

Are you kidding me? I’m a Packer’s fan, and until this year, I had to deal with Brett Favre and also Colin Cowherd calling “my” QB  overrated for not having won a playoff game.  I like the Brewers, Seahawks, and I would love the Supersonics if they still existed.  I generally like teams with no chance of winning championships, so it’s beyond that.

The guy was cool, and hey, maybe if he ever searches his name, and clicks through the thousands of links before mine shows up, he’ll feel the same amount of satisfaction seeing this here, that I did meeting him. I wish Alex had been there to meet him, but even though he wasn’t, I’m still using it as my birthday gift to him for the next five years.

I read a post over at Get Rich slowly, one of my favorite blogs, and it had to do with perfectionism and the all-or-nothing mindset. It explains perfectionist can be paralyzed with fear- fear of failure, fear of success, or something else entirely. It can lead to procrastination, self-deprecation, and even the inability to start something one might not do well. In this unhealthy form, it’s known as maladaptive perfection. Some of the comments on the entry point out that perfectionism is not always bad- in some cases it is quite good, such as the all-start athlete, the top chef’s in the world, and artists who become obsessed with their work. I am not one of those people, however, so I’ll focus on the more negative forms. Ironically,  that’s how it affects me.

I’m a maladaptive perfectionist; it manifests itself in some random areas, as well as more obvious places.

At work, I do some things that are rather ho-hum and straight forward. These are easy enough to accomplish, and there isn’t really a whole lot of thought involved with some of them- well, new thought I should say. I still need to go over some decisions and pick which method works best for the given problem, but nothing like “this has never been done before… where do I start”? All of this is doable, and I do it pretty well.

On the other hand, my job no has a lot of areas where I venture into the unknown, and I have to get certain things done and working. These are where I have issues. When something is difficult to do, and I don’t know the right way to go about getting it done, often times I’ll freeze, and it’ll take me a long while to understand what I need to do, and sometimes I’ll put it off until I simply have to get it done. I at least have that going for me, my fear of being seen as a failure is even greater than my fear of failure.

But it’s not simply work that stresses me out- it can be almost comical the way it affects me.

If you’ve been in my apartment bedroom, you’ll notice the blue shitty paint job on the wall. This is one of those times where I thought I could paint, did it, and it ended up being kind of sloppy. I still have some left to do, but I simply can’t convince myself that I should do it, because it’s going to be terrible again. When i can’t even do something I know I should do, well we have a problem, don’t we?

Another example comes when I baked a cake for a friend a couple of weeks ago, and it didn’t come out as well as I’d hope. I still gave it to her, but I was extremely embarrassed. Again, the only reason I gave it to her was that I promised her one, and felt that failing on that was bigger than failing on the cake. Maybe that’s true, but I’m pretty sure i would have thrown that sucker out if it wasn’t for my promise. Hell, when people were about to eat it, I made fun of it before hand, telling people “it looks like shit, and probably doesn’t taste much better… you’ve been warned”.

The cake scenario above illustrates one of the more pathological issues- I deprecate my work and myself to excuse it’s lack of success. More often than not this is internal- the way i think about myself and feel about myself suffers from each and every failure, however small, to the point where I simply don’t want to try anything at which I might fail.

It’s fairly obvious to see where this can lead to other problems: self-esteem, anxiety, depression are all common- not that I suffer from all of these or anything, but some people do. I’m more of the self deprecating type as i’ve mentioned. But I procrastinate tasks when i’m not sure how to do them, and I’m also apt to downplay the importance of things i’m not too good at, or excusing my lack of ability by some other means.

A great quote from the wikipedia article explains, “perfectionism is often marked by low productivity as individuals lose time and energy on small irrelevant details of larger projects or mundane daily activities”. This is the scary part- my work is affected by these tendencies to the point where my productive effort is cyclical- sometimes i’m not very productive, other times (usually near deadlines) I’m very productive, and work more than I should, or is healthy- also marked by my inability to “shut off” from my tasks, although i’m not so sure this is a result of my perfectionism or, as I suspect, something else.

So, how do I get over this? It would be easy to imagine getting over this as a mountain, and part of me would see it as an entire task to accomplish. What I have read, though, is that you need to make small, manageable goals in order to over come these things. Make a goal step one of that mountain, then goal two 3 steps, and so on. Build it up- baby steps, if you will. I’m not sure if it’ll work, and I’m almost certain i’ve tried it before, but hey, a new year means a fresh start, maybe this will work.

If not, i’ll pretend like I never tried.

What I want it to be is a more self directed approach. Something that I do, not because I like the idea of doing it, or because it fits some bigger picture, but because I want to do it. Writing is a process, it’s very zen like in the fact that simply writing enables you to do many other things- write about your emotions, understand your feeling, feel some catharsis, or let out all of that pent up anger/love/happiness/sadness.  Some people even make money from it.

I get this same feeling at work, where I want to do so many things, and get excited about what things can or might be, but then it’s hard to sustain that emotion. Not feeling that emotion isn’t an option- it’s hard to get up for things you don’t feel strongly about. So what can I do to get over that hump? How can I stop thinking about the grandeur of everything and just do it. Just embrace the process and not the goal- it’s very difficult for a person like me, who defines goals and attributes success and failure to meeting or missing them.

The problem is when I think about it in terms of failing or succeeding, you’re no longer writing words or what you’re thinking, but every word is a step towards success or failure. And when the stakes are that high, it’s much easier to not do them and avoid the entire judgment of the process, even if that’s all coming from self criticism (the harshest kind).

Le sigh, I’ll keep thinking about it and get back to you (me).