Incite Full

For the next few days i’m in training at work. The training itself is fine- the material is both rehashed from school and a bit of new stuff that is actually more pointed and necessary than what I learned. So that’s fantastic. The other people in the training are, to say the least, varied, and to say more, interesting. There are a few other ECH’s, or early career hires, but mostly it’s middleaged to older groups.

The thing about this, is, they are jaded. Not all, but the vocal ones. And it kind of sucks being in a class where everyone cuts everything down. Why are you taking this class, the instructor asks us all; Because no one else can do these right, a man responds. This is the same guy who ripped into the feasibility of a made up mission for activity purposes. I mean, honestly? Are you going to be that guy? Another gentleman- who knows if he’s really gentle-  makes jokes that no one, except he, laughs at. There should be a law that if you make 3 jokes in a row and you’re the only one laughing, you are banned from jokes for a week.

I might push that line once and a while, but not as often and constantly as this guy does. Wow they were lame. And another thing I learned from him is the following: never preface a story or joke with “this is a good one” or “this is funny.” Hands down it will not be good or funny, the expectations have been built, and the bull dozer story will only tear them down.

On a side note, this weekend i went to starbucks to get some food. I know starbucks is not commonly associated with food, but friends were also going, i avoid this type of awkwardness whenever possible. So I’m in the front of line and i ask the barista and ask for a bagel. “Sure!” she says, with a giant smile on her face. And she pauses. after a moment, “Anything else?” and i say no.  “No Coffee?”, no thanks. Another awkward pause. After a few seconds she asks if i want cream cheese on my bagel. I was caught off guard, and said sure, why not. another few seconds pass- causing me to think maybe this girl has some sort of social disorder: “We’re all out”.

What the fuck? Why ask if you’re out? Agh, normally i don’t tip the barista- which is itself a bullshit term to remove the shame of working in the food service industry- which shouldn’t exist anyways. The shame, not the industry. But not giving a tip really does’t stress the point enough here, would it be wrong to take money from the tip jar? I mean, i felt i needed to let her know this service was subpar, even for a lousy bagel.

When i was in 7th grade, i had the opportunity to grade some papers for my teacher. It was book reports, and all i really did was make sure they filled out the form correctly and put a check mark in the grade book. This speaks volumes about our educational system, I’m sure- but that’s not the point.

One of the reports, I remember the student vividly, just not his name, claimed to have read “little women.”  The problem was, though, that it read like the back of the book. The exact back fo the book- which is funny because winona ryder definitely didn’t write that book, and that was the name filled out under ‘Author.’ Even this, is not the point of the story- the point is i actually didn’t give him the check mark. I was a little bitch, to be honest. Why did i do this? I think i was still an idealist, that hard work should be rewarded, that you don’t fake it, you do it right.

I still believe IN all of those things, i just know that it’s not the end-all-be-all. That’s ok, though- i think it’s more important, at first, to know how the world works instead of trying to mold everyone to your image. Especially with my apparently uncommon opinions.

But i should have let the kid go- he was just doing the busy work that the teachers had given him.  I guess i’m jsut thinking about this, and wishing i could go back and let it slide. The kid wasn’t going to use this to get into college, and probably didn’t help or hurt his grade that much in class. If i find he’s in a downward spiral of drugs and despair, because of this act, I’ll apologize- but i doubt it. Then again, if it didn’t really matter why am i thinking about it now? I assume that’s my experience coming out, and knowing some battles you fight, some battels you lose on purpose, and sometimes, you avoid the damn thing in the first place.

It’s amazing that for an entire year- actually the past 6 years of my life, I’ve held myself to such a low standard. This isn’t true of everything, and I’m not singling anyone or anything out at all, but the past few weeks have really changed me for the better. I’ve always been a hard worker and done exceptional work, or so I’ve felt, but other parts of my life, from family, friends, and relationships have suffered due to my own insecurities or lack of self worth.

I really feel like that’s all changed- a near 180. Now I’m not a Casanova or Mr. Rogers- I’m not perfect and there is still a lot i’m learning, but I feel incredibly different today than I did 5 weeks ago. I’m not really sure who I can talk to about this- so that’s why it ends up here. And here we go- reading some different books and reading a lot online, about meeting women and improving oneself can be perilous. To be sure, I have no dream of becoming the next great pickup artists, however entertaining the show is. What I do know is that I want to be more fun, I want to always be up for it, and I generally want to meet new people. This doesn’t mean girlfriends at all- if they (and I do mean they) come along, great, but I’m more worried about improving my social circle, and getting a better view of everything that’s out there.

The first thing I needed to fix was my confidence. And I’m not talking about my looks at all- you might think I’m good looking or not, but what’s important is that it’s a small part of attraction. I’m more worried about standing up straight and smiling more often than I am what I look like. And that’s so much easier to fix, yet harder to constantly do. Shit ironing a shirt is probably something you should worry about more than your looks. And ever since I really started thinking about this- it’s amazing what one notices.

First, guys will make every excuse in the book for everything in the world. Once you start to reframe what is important and what isn’t. I’ve heard everything from “This isn’t the place to meet people” to “Those girls were just rude.” It’s been said a dozen of times, but girls don’t wake up in the morning saying “I do not want to be swept off my feet today.” Some guys will blame their height or their weight, some will blame money, and some will blame women themselves for being single or not meeting other people. That’s bullshit. Everyone knows it, but it takes a certain type of person to fix it- they type of person who blames themselves first, and the world second- If you can’t reconfigure into that paradigm, I don’t think you can be helped.

Secondly, once you reframe what attraction is (hint: it’s more than looks) and realize WOW! There are a lot of beautiful women in the world, it can either overwhelm you, which is bad, or make you realize that it’s not that impressive. Granted everyone wants a beautiful significant other, but who wants a beautiful idiot (other than your one night stand)? Who wants a hot girl that doesn’t get a funny joke? I’m not one of those guys who goes out and thinks, “What do you have to offer me?”- that’s bullshit, both people need to have something to “offer” or contribute to any relationship. Any relationship that is one sided, be it familial, friendships, or intimate is going to be strained and be unhealthy.

What I do want to know is if this is a person who’s positive, fun, smart and energetic. If you miss any of those- I’m probably not interested. Who wants to hang with unexciting people? Shit if I’m not exciting, tell me- I should probably fix that ASAP.

Lastly, I used to be terrified of loneliness and rejection. It kept me in relationships when other’s had cheated on me or done pretty much reprehensible things, and also kept me from talking to most people that I’d like to get to know better. What i’ve realized about rejection is that it’s going to happen. No matter what. If Jesus came back to earth today, a majority of the world would reject him. Why the hell do I think I’m different?

Well, I’m not. Much more than half the world will probably reject me. Especially the men But basically, I’ll probably never see them again and they won’t go tell everyone in the bar/club/bookstore what just happened. Another good way of thinking about it, by way of AJ and Jordan, people are rooting for you to succeed. You’re the guy who’s doing what they can’t do. It’s what I thought about when I opened up a bachellorette party. That is a rush. Also, when you get rejected, it’s not you that’s being rejected- if it is, you don’t want that girl anyway. What it is is the words you said, or how you portrayed yourself. Fix that, and try again.

Loneliness, as well, is something that should be welcomed at times.  I hadn’t felt lonely in about 6 years until Grace and I broke up. It was hard to get used to it, and a massive part of me wanted to pick up the phone and start talking to her again. But I didn’t. And, for better or for worse, neither did she. But it’s been good, it’s made me think about myself and what I want to do in the near and long term futures. What I want in my friends, who are my friends, how good of a friend am I- all of these questions were asked and answered every night, differently each night. Sometimes it was painful, others it was good. But I’m finally feeling myself again- but a new myself. Funnier, more open, more vulnerable and a little wiser.

Overall, I’m not sure where I am, but for the first time in a long time, I’m happy with the direction I’m traveling.

Back in the good V of irginia, there is a lot going on out here. First and foremost, our meetings went very well. I was actually complimented on all of the good work our team has done on the development of our software, and we’re 3 weeks ahead of schedule. how about that!

And in celebration, we went out and had a bit of fun. Or rather, I had a bit of fun. Three whiskey gingers, and several beers later i was in high spirits- three sheets to the wind, to be honest. That expression actually stems from the loose ropes that keep sails tied down. When the windd blew and the ropes were loose, they’d stagger all over and resemble a man who had too much to drink. Or more precisely, me!

It would have been bad, except i was very entertaining. Chatting up some other customers at the bar. One vixen was so entranced that she had to stop by at my table, full of coworkers, and talk to me. Needless to say, when she left, the rest of the table was just basically awestruck.

Awesome.

Pictures were taken of me, apparently in order to black mail me with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, i don’t have one of those- so it’s not going to happen. Although upon realization that i was single, my coworkers soon found out that i don’t believe in fate or the absence of freewill. that set off some interesting conversation.

Anyways, there is a lot more to talk about but only in person. It will be good stories, i promise, so ask me