Incite Full

The minutiae in this instance is how the happy couple feels.

Yes, apparently that falls under the incidental or minor things that happen during the planning of a wedding. We have been so stressed lately that handling everything, getting it all done, and making sure everyone is happy that we’re losing sight of the event ourselves. Obviously some people get a pass- Mothers and Fathers are generally absolved from our stress- regardless of their ability to increase or decrease it. And that’s the way it should be. This day really isn’t all about us, but about the joining of two families. This is a very important day for our parents, who brought us up in such a way that we thought the other did such a damn fine job, we’d hang on to that person. And I’m really excited for the input, suggestions, and offerings of help.

There are two types of other people. Those who get in the way, and those who choose to be a billion miles away.

The wedding is a force that can’t be stopped, delayed, or helped, really. It’s a giant boulder rolling downhill. It starts slow, but is going its fastest right near the bottom. So if you’re going to help slow down the monolith, be there at the beginning. The other side? Those guys are far away, and only after the boulder hits do they show up and see the damage (or lack thereof). These people are generally ok by me. But sometimes they are supposed to be there helping with that fricken boulder. Especially once we realized that we can barely do this by ourselves.

What I have learned in the year plus that we’ve been planning this are two things: I have an amazing wife-to-be which, if she chose, could plan the hell out of anyone’s wedding. If she didn’t want to be a counselor, I’d say plan other people’s weddings- because people will pay you boatloads to do it, especially with all the stickies, calendar colorings, lists, and other cool stuff she makes.

The second thing I’ve learned is that this day is not important to everyone. Whether that be those who simply don’t plan on coming, don’t RSVP (this is like, a deadly sin, by the way) on time, or think of the wedding in terms of how it will affect them, they aren’t thinking about the wedding and what it really means. I suppose that’s normal. People who don’t go through a wedding don’t understand the complexity/enormity of it. Or maybe they do. Or maybe it’s a reminder of their own singleness, and they’d rather not think about it in such stark ways. I really have no idea, but the fact remains a lot of people are being as equally selfish as we ought to be. And it usually is such a small thing.

Take the RSVP above, once person forgets and it’s easy to deal with- no harm done. But when 1/3 of your invites send it in a day late, that adds up to a lot of stress and texts/emails to get to the bottom of it. Did you forget (that’s kind of an insult) or are you not coming (c’mon, send it back). And I’m assuming you all want chicken, though I should be nasty and write down “vegetarian entree”.

But this is all a part of the process. Part of the event, some sort of Zen test to see if we’ll make it. If we can get through the planning of a wedding, we can get through damn near anything. And it’s not like Stef and I don’t get cranky with one another every once and a while- we’re very different personalities when it comes to planning an event. She’s a “get it done” type of person, and I’m a “it will get done” kind of guy. Which works out for me, because that usually means she’ll do it, or give me a kick in the ass to get it done. I understand that now, so i’m fine with taking care of a few things, like putting the slideshow together (technically, she’ll choose the pictures), or find a projector, or call the florist when it needs getting done. It’s about finding a balance in how we both want to handle things, and handle them together.

I guess I should be thanking all of those people who made this ordeal tougher, because it really makes you understand and appreciate the other person going through it with you. I’m not going to thank you more than the people who are helping though, that’s ridiculous.

A giant pet peeve of mine is people who argue on pure emotion. It’s not the emotion that bothers me, but the fact people get caught up in it. When that happens, a lot people will say anything to prove they are right. To them, being right is more important than being correct. I can understand that. Being right feels good. Being right is what a lot of people are paid to do. But it’s not the only thing.

Some people don’t just need to be right, they need others to be wrong.

When a person’s value doesn’t stem from their own deeds or ideas, there is a problem. When they knock other people down to build themselves up, that’s a problem. This can take many forms: making fun of disabled or overweight people, criticizing clothing choices, out of hand dismissal of other ideas, and more. But the one that causes me the most grief is the aforementioned powerful drive to be “right.”

What I see most wrong with it is that is devalues the idea of truth and facts. As I get older, I realize there are fewer truths in life. Quite the opposite, I see things that I always held close seem to fall apart. When I was a kid, the future was filled with flying cars, all jobs were fire fighters, police officers, doctors, lawyers and sports stars, and anyone in my class could do anything they wanted. A lot of those things fell apart, some quicker than others. Because of that, I feel we owe it to ourselves to find the truth whenever possible, to not accept anything less when it’s out there. That’s why I have a problem with this blinding drive to be right.

The idea of right is the one that doesn’t exist in a vacuum. The one that takes two people, ideas, or beliefs to exist. When that happens, we are more focused on the act of arguing itself, and turning it into a competition- the end goal isn’t ultimate discovery. The end goal is being right- no matter what it takes.

I suppose that is why anecdotal arguments are useless, a lot of the time. Nothing to prove, really- and how can you argue against them? Numbers, citations, expert opinion are valid, but “I heard…” isn’t really as effective. And that’s how experts become experts- they don’t simply parrot things they’ve heard (which is moderately better than making things up). Experts analyze and deduce, they formulate ideas and create thought experiments (or “real” ones) to test them and see if they are valid. But this rigor is not common to most people. In fact, quite the opposite, our culture of “you’re special” means we rarely tell our kids they are wrong. I know people who will not say “no” to their kids, I’ve read about people who sue McDonald’s because they make it hard to say no to their kids. If our kids don’t understand right and wrong, or that it’s OK to be wrong, then we’re creating more problems for them in the future.

Oh boy, I’m about to use an anecdote to further my point.

In high school, I had a few teachers who would ask questions and then call on students. This is standard. But when they gave answers, incredibly wrong ones at times, the teacher would give a tepid reaction. “Ehhhh, kind of.” This drove me nuts- most of the times these questions aren’t difficult- they didn’t require original thought, simply regurgitating information in the book or what’s written on the board.

To show a stark contrast, I had a math professor in college answer my question by proving, mathematically, that it made no sense. That was brutal. Of course no one in class laughed because they were all as lost as I was- the ones who would laugh didn’t came to that particular class because it was easy. Now this didn’t prove to me that being wrong was ok, but it was a lot better than my professor leading me to believe I was remotely close. I value his honesty in retrospect.

When I started to write this, I was confused and jaded by a type of person. I even went back, after the argument, and looked up the facts to prove them wrong- but that’s when I realized that proving that person wrong wouldn’t stop them from being who they are- it’s deeper than that. And it wouldn’t make me feel better either, in fact, I would probably feel worse by bringing it up to them. Now that I’ve written through my thoughts, I understand now that i’m not upset by this type of person. Sure, it’s irritating. But it’s more about something permeating our culture. Not academic rigor, but intellectual curiosity. Being wrong is OK as long as you learn from it.

I’m going to ruin your day right now. I Lied.

There is no secret to saving money, or becoming wealthy (whatever that word means, any more). Nearly every money saving tip can be categorized in one of three areas:

1. Need/Use less
2. Buy at the best price you can
3. Do it yourself

Not surprisingly, the best way  to save money is simply to spend less of it relative to how much you make. This isn’t rocket science. The first one, is need less. Don’t need a new phone (even if you can get one every 2 years). Don’t need new clothing. Obviously there are times when you need to get a pair of pants, or a shirt, but you don’t need a new one every week, month, or season. I own jeans that i’ve had for 3 years, and that’s not even that long. Don’t need certain food- when you go to the grocery store, don’t go in knowing you need “Cheetoes” or “Ruffles.” Go in knowing you want snacks. And then go about shopping for snacks that are the most economical.

This brings us to point two, when you need to, buy things at the best price. In the snack example above, pretzels might be on sale, or hey, maybe Ruffles are, too! It’s exciting when it works out that what you want and what’s on sale is the same price. Other areas to get better prices are on insurance (shop around), buying cars (wait for major holidays, or buy used) and housewares (buy quality, read reviews). There are a million of ways to save a buck if you’re into that, but the basis of it is that you just need to save money on something you would have bought at a higher price.

As an aside, it’s only a deal if it’s something you need. It might be a deal if it’s something you want, but i’ve seen so many people convince themselves they want something because of a sale. If you don’t need a new pair of shoes, don’t buy them simply because they are on sale. Whenever I point this out to people, I always get “It’s just shoes,” but “just shoes” and “just a few CDs” just becomes no left over money at the end of the Month.

Lastly, do it your self. I’m not talking of thousands of dollars renovations- only you can be the one qualified to tell yourself you can or can’t do that. I’m speaking about simple, every day things. Cooking your own meals, cleaning your own house, doing your own oil changes and tire rotations. All of these things are simple enough to do, and can save you a lot of money. I won’t fill this with qualifiers except one: I think it’s OK to spend money on services, and I do it too. Usually when my time is more valuable than learning/doing it myself.

The other side of this “building wealth” coin (forgive the pun) is just as important as getting there- defining wealth. Wealth in America has become synonymous with status. Wealthy people don’t drive Hondas, they don’t wear old clothing unless it’s “vintage,” and I quote that because I don’t think many people know what vintage means (hint: it’s not simply old). Wealthy people don’t drive to their vacation destinations, and they always enjoy the finest things in life.

Sure. Some wealthy people do that, but if that’s the definition of wealthy we’re using, then I think we’re all in trouble. And the ones that can have it will, and the ones that want it will use their credit cards to have it for a brief while.

No, wealth is a relative term, and that’s the problem. We are being constantly bombarded with advertising and television shows telling us how we should spend the money we (don’t?) have. Maybe it’s a 50 thousand dollar car, or a show where all the housewives get diamonds simply for having kids. And what do people who are diligent with their savings get? We’re boring cheapskates! We’re told to spend the money and live in the now! I agree with that, I want to enjoy my time during and after I work. Who would think otherwise?

But wealth is more than money, more than status. It’s living comfortably and being able to do what you want. Working or not working, simply because you choose. It’s being able to sit down and write a novel, take some photographs, or bake cookies all day if you want. It’s going boating or fishing or, hell, just sitting around watching movies all day.

What i’m trying to say is building wealth is a lot easier to do if you define what it means to you, and then make it happen. Don’t pay attention to advertisers or people you know telling you things. This does not mean limit your dreams or goals, just know that the grander they are, the longer i may take, or there more sacrifices there will be- perhaps both.

Planning  a wedding is stressful, to say the least. It’s not so much there is a lot to do- there is, but it’s more that you’re asking two people who have really never planned anything before to plan a giant event. Not just a giant event for the two of you, but a crew of stakeholders that include sisters, mothers, fathers, close friends, used to be close friends, friends that will be close in the future, and probably some others that i’m leaving out right now.

It’s difficult because those two people in love that have never planned event, more likely than not, have completely different styles of getting things done. One being laid back usually helps, but can quickly be overwhelmed by the other’s “get it done” attitude.

As in any stressful situation, emotions will run high and situations will get the better of you from time to time, but just take a minute, a deep breath, and relax- everything will go on fine. Another thing to remember is that just because you think you are communicating an idea to someone, does not mean that they are receiving that information, no matter how visceral those ideas are to you.

Anyway, what I find most interesting about my life is how predictable parts of it are. Let me back up a bit. I grew up the youngest of four, and saw my oldest siblings get in trouble, make silly decisions, lie terribly to my parents, and any other sort of mistake you can make as a kid. I also saw them do incredible things and saw my parents take great pride and joy in the things they had done. I also had a ravenous appetite for sitcoms.

Nearly every sitcom, if it goes long enough, touches on the idea of men and women- one could say that’s the underlying basis for nearly every sitcom if you discount family oriented ones (Growing Pains, Family Ties, Family Matters- but even that one leaned towards steve/stephan/laura). Well, it turns out, men and women are quite different. While not always true, the rule of thumb is that women are generally more emotional in relationships while men are more logic oriented- even if that logic is flawed, you can still follow that train of thought.

Well it just so happens that the men in these shows are almost painfully unaware of their transgressions, while we, the audience, “know better” and understand the altercation is coming. You’d think this would train me for real life- but no. When things happen, I’m reminded of why I should have known what I did or said was wrong, and am actually dumbfounded, briefly, that I was caught unaware. I’m as oblivious as the lovable, idiot husband in nearly all these shows.

The only problem is, just because I’m oblivious doesn’t mean I’m in the wrong. Yet that’s been trained into my from the very beginning of humanity by these shows (and a lot of sibling actions). So by the time I realize “hey, wait a minute” the moment is gone. It’s like thinking of the best comeback immediately after the guy who just “punked” you walks away. Espirit de l’escalier is what the French call it, the Spirit of the Stairway- that fleeting thought or idea that you wish you had just moments ago. I feel like this happens to me incredibly often. And here I always thought I was quick and witty (#humblebrag).

I guess what i’m tring to say is that, hey, you’re going to have some ups and downs planning your wedding- get used to it because life is a series of ups and downs. Sometimes work will be going well but maybe you run into some troubles with family and relationships. Or maybe everything’s going wrong- we need to take the good with the bad an just keep on trucking.

This reminds me of my last thought of the day- Anger. Anger is like energy, it is always conserved. This comes into play a few ways, but i’ll describe two. Let’s say someone upsets you, and instead of confronting them, you just bottle it up and put it away, deep inside you, where jealousy and hate hang out. It’s not gone, it builds up and unleashes at some point. That’s a great example of the anger not going away, it’s simply building- you can’t hide it forever.

The second example comes from a co-worker. He said he used to get angry at drivers going too slow on the freeways, and then he said “screw it” and now zigs and zags and cuts people off to get wherever he’s going faster. Sure, he’s not angry anymore- but now instead of him getting upset, he’s displacing it amongst all of the other drivers on the road for brief periods of time. See how that works? There is no fundamental answer to any of these issues, just things i’ve been noticed over time.

Remember, vent early, vent often. And don’t cut people off while driving.